Finding my power: a case of Gadolinium hydroxydatum
by Doug Brown
Pam (see endnote 1), a 53 year-old novelist, a woman of large build, first consulted me in November 2006 with multiple concerns, chief among them writerās block. In addition, she was undergoing intensive personal growth, which involved healing from childhood trauma. She experienced anxiety and occasional panic attacks. As a child, she felt āripped offā by her Mom, as she was left to be raised by her father and a nanny.Regarding her writing, she has had some great success but now finds herself unable to bring her work to completion. She says: āI can see who I am, but itās through a glass wall.ā She feels she has to āre-bootā her brain. She writes fiction with themes of warriors, honor, betrayal, and trust.
It took me four years to find the deepest curative remedy. The following is a verbatim transcript of our final two sessions. By sharing this case I hope to 1), provide another example of how dreams can be an indispensable guide in our work; 2), explore expressions of Lanthanide themes as they combine with elements of other rows; and 3), inspire confidence and faith in the process we embody, even when the path to the best remedy is a long and difficult one!
I am deeply indebted to Jan Scholten for his groundbreaking discoveries of the homeopathic dynamic of the Lanthanide elements, and his approach to understanding the Periodic Table.
I am also grateful to this extraordinary patient for sharing her healing path with me.
Nov. 23, 2010
Pam pulls out her dream journal. She has become accustomed to working with dreams in our sessions, and is most comfortable starting there. She begins:
[Dream 1] Iām soaring above the ground. It was SO easy to fly. I saw writer friends below me, they wanted to fly too. I told them that all you have to do is stand next to a pole for balance, and then you just lift yourself. If you have to, you use the pole, but you will learn you donāt need to.
[Dream 2] A band of warriors, like the Tutsi, coming - like in the movie and book Hotel Rwanda. I was protecting people. Then the scene shifted, and Iām on the Titanic, sinking. Iām trying to help people. I was trying to help a child, but then realized he already drowned. Wow, weāre already dead, under water, and just donāt realize it. The bursar is standing there. āOk, this is going to be eternity, you and me. Youāre already dead.ā Then I realized he [the child] was still moving. There was still hope. I grabbed him, convinced him to come with me, and we went up a pole, a mast. Got to the top, and there was a second pole. And I said, āOk, all we have to do is get over to that pole.ā And we climb out of the ship. I jumped over to the pole, pulled him as well, climbed to the top and kind of burst through, got up onto the deck, and then I started pulling people through. I pulled a lot of people through the hole to the deck. There was a dark Arabic-looking man I pulled through, and I said to him, āYouāre in charge of the people because I went through all of this effort pulling them through the hole. I donāt want them lying on top of each other, smothering each other. Get them sitting up while I figure out what we do next.ā Then I figured out we all have to get in the water; weāll be fine, theyāll pick us up. Water not too cold, no sharks. Dream ends. Weāre dealing with piles of people.
What was your feeling in the dream?
I felt duty, obligation, relief that I got through the hole; that I wasnāt going to be trapped forever in the Titanic. I was definitely in my linear, planning brain. It was more thinking than feeling.
My daughter Peggy is dating a young man whoās very similar to me in that heās a thinker. Sheās not sure the relationship will work out. She and my husband Rich talk about the fact that they come from feelings; on the other hand, her boyfriend Guy makes total sense to me. Fascinating, that you guys approach the world through your feelings, and I donāt. Your question is reflective of that. In the moment Iām dealing with the situation, pulling people through, and Iām not really aware of a feeling. I got to get everybody out; then Iāll have the feeling. They do action while having the feeling. I separate it out. I donāt access the feeling in that moment. Iām tired, sensitive, and rawā¦to loud noises, fast movement, a lot of expectations on myself. I feel very young and newborn, almost. āNo, donāt! Just let me ease simply into the day.ā
Young and newborn?āØYes, thatās what just popped out. Iām very sensitive in the morning afterā¦ Iām not really sure whatās expected of me, and all I know is that Iāve just been having all these really intense dreams.
Peggy asked for help scraping ice off her car windshield. She gets crankyā¦it had the same energy of spousal abuse, the same energy field. Itās ok for her to get cranky at me because she canāt get this thing to work smoothly, then call me and apologize. Iām still processing your anger at the world.
I was cleaning out a box and I found my baby book. Apparently I was quite joyful and extroverted when I was 18 months to two years old. I was quick to learn, ahead of time to learn to cut [HG scissors motion] and paste, and I spoke Italian and English at one year. Pretty amazing. What was strange was that my mother spoke about me in the third person. Remote [HG pushing away]. Like she was describing a scientific experiment. āSpecimen now can walk.ā
When I realized I hadnāt made a quarterly tax payment, I became panicked, sweaty, nauseous. Frozen, panicked, sweating, bowels go loose. Fright or flight [sic]ā¦like Freddy [Krueger] with the chain saw is outside your door! Iām trapped in that. I was thinking, Iām very vested in that dynamic. Itās charged for me [emotion]. I was excited for two weeks, now. This is a rebound, a backlash, where Iām not completely comfortable holding the cup. Iāve never had this experience, where I KNOW THIS IS RIGHT. Writing young adult fiction brings together EVERYTHING THAT I AM. It brings together my interest in physics, science, soul work, being a writer and staying the course. I could do that, I could offer these teachings. I have a connection to young adults, always have. I put myself in the historical novel, because I love history. I can do it within this container [HG]. Feels good - really, really right. Then part of me thinks, āthis canāt be true,ā and I do a backlash.
Experience of everything coming together?āØA KNOWING, a mental physical knowing, that everythingās been leading to this. I was thinking about JK Rowling, and [how] she writes a new history for England. She knows the Celticā¦thatās why Harry Potter is so popular. You know what? I know that for the world. I know at my fingertips why Africa is related to Saudi Arabia, related to the history of Asia, related to Australia. I would love to share that. That excites me. These books are coming through, as each character represents a major religion. Itās not that I want to teach, but Iām excited to share. āThis is what each looks like: see the commonality between them [HG]?ā Weāre all the same. Putting it out there. College prepared me, and my readings - watching Discovery - that feedsā¦ There are all these threads coming in, and thereās this center thatās me [big HG]. Itās like a big cape, and Iām sweeping it all together into one thing.
Inner experience?āØIt feels GOLDEN AND YELLOW AND LIFTED AND STRONG. POWER! Iām the center. The center of an atom, and thereās all these things coming out, electrical lines, or whatever [HG]. In my meditation that image will come, where I can see swirling electrical light lines around me, and then thereās me, coming into that. Yeah, Iām the center of the atom, the center of this thing now, and it got plugged in. Itās like a heartbeat almost, a bumph, bumph, bumph [HG of heart expanding]. But a very lifted [HG lifting up]ā¦
Iām being fed by cordsā¦it feels sacred. Lots of emotion, I need to sit with this. Like Iām being fed by cords from all my past lives, everything I did in this life. I figured out how to open the hatches, and now all of this is streaming into me. Itās about fāking time! All the valves are opening, and Iām being fed. Then I will stir it, mix it, and shoot it out a valve. It feels like standing in the center of that, and remembering. A lot of remembering, recognizing, recognition. All these tunnels, tubes are feeding me [HG]. Itās like I have access to all my own knowledge. That feels true
Exact opposite of that?āØLights turned off, all doors are shut. And Iām inside that [HG] amoebous thing, and itās happening out here. A clear plastic bubble, placenta. A membrane, Iām inside it by myself. All I want is out there, but I canāt figure out how to get through the membrane.
May I share more dreams? [Dream 3] Iām home in my childhood house. The ground is breaking up. Thereās a woman with me; she says itās sinking just because of the rains. I say, āNo, itās literally breaking up. Itās separating; and if we need to leave, we need to leave now.āā¦When the ground was breaking up [HG] that was alarming.
Dream 4: I was back in the house Iām in now. The door was off my closet. Peggyās friends - a husband and wife, theyāre really sweet, but itās not really them. Itās somehow that phrase, when I think of that phrase, itās all ONE [says their names together, as if one name]. Theyāre there in the living room, I need to get dressed, but clothes are in the other bedroom; I need to go to the other room very quickly. A mouse, a triangle thing. The door is off the closet; thereās no barrier any more to my inner self. The mouse is something that gets startled; itās always checking to make sure everything is ok; it lives in fear. That resonates with my concerns about the general ledger, and Rich and I finding our way after [his emotional] affair. He sent her a birthday card as a friend, and I over-reacted. Itās like Iām waiting for the trap to close on me. Putting on the clothes relates to this new identity that Iām assuming. I have a handle on it. Earth is opening up, collapsing, changing, folding in on itself - way more dramatic. This house was never going to be there anymore; it will be transformed, and it was time to leave. And I definitely left. It felt good that I was definitely leaving the house I grew up in.
I would need to go across the street to hide in neighborās house, a place of sanctuary. A kind place.
I was having really intense dreams, and would wake up feeling very impacted by them. And I thought, āYou know what I would like, if you have something to tell me, subconscious, do it in a gentler way.ā So Iāve started waking up calmer and kinder. No longer waking up from Armageddon. Feeling more rested.
To my family of origin I have to say, āYou have no power over me. Iād have to say that, state it, live by it. But then fear comes: Who am I? Who would I be if I were fully standing in that, if I made more money than Rich? Or if I was a person that - hey, I could be JK Rowling! That could be possible. Would the world end? Some part of me thinks thatās not allowed. Iām examining why Iām not allowed.
Free imagination exercise. Forget yourselfā¦what would world end look like? What would Armageddon look like?āØFigures of authority would yell. I would be shamed. We wouldnāt be able to pay our bills, andā¦ I donāt take it as far as we would be kicked out of our house, we have enough equity. [This is a spontaneous denial.] But people would be very disappointed in me. I would be shamed for not doing my part, my job; the pointing finger. A sense of being trapped. I can feel tears rising with this. Trapped in the Catholic school I went to. How truly horrific it was, how truly abusive the nuns were. It has this element of, I left my pencil in my desk and I had to pay a nickel to get it back. And I didnāt have a nickel. [Lots of emotion.] So I asked my Mom for the nickel, and she flipped, and she wrote a really scathing letter to the Principal that I had to deliver, not thinking that the Principal would take it out on me. I got pulled out of class and in front of the class got publicly humiliated. The woman shook me until my teeth rattled in my head. They really do rattle! I remember being out of myself and thinking, āWow, your teeth really DO rattle in your head if youāre shaken enough!ā And she was screaming at me, and my brain was asking, āWow, is this all for a nickel and a pencil?āā¦Totally humiliated because I didnāt put my pencil away when we went out to lunch. Like I had a mark on my name, that I cause trouble. It wasnāt me that caused the trouble; it was my Mom that caused the trouble! For years I had a fear of being pulled out of class and being humiliated, and thatās connected to the general ledger and forgetting to pay the estimated payment in September. Thatās Armageddon to me.
What is Armageddon? Abstract, apart from you, and your history?āØItās the destruction of everything. We all blink out to nothingness. Never was, never existed. Itās the reverse of the Big Bang [HG]. It just all comes Jjhhmmm. Bink and itās out.
Case Analysis
Understanding Pamā¦ The first dream tells us that she sees herself as elevated, with abilities others donāt have. Itās a place of high confidence. The first dream gives us the dimension of height, with polarities of above and below, but the only structure is a pole.
In Dream 2, the motif of a pole reappears, but now there is an elaborate structure, and an even more differentiated dramatic plot. At the outset there is a battle with bands of warriors: this suggests the possibility of a metallic element. The mast/pole is now the central pillar of a ship, and there is a life and death struggle to emerge and āpop throughā the hole onto the deck. This is reminiscent of the birth process, and hints at the presence of an element from the second series of the Periodic Table, the Carbon series. Even for a dream, the appearance of the bursar is out of place and peculiar. The dictionary defines ābursarā as a person who manages the financial affairs of a college or university. The fact that the dark man is put in charge of other people tells us that the metal aspect has themes of authority. Other important words in the dream are eternity, death, and smothering.
Pam describes her separation of feeling from action, and that accessing feelings in the moment does not come easily to her. This is a common expression of the Mineral kingdom. The peculiarity is in how articulately she expresses it.
When Pam states āI feel young and newbornā she confirms the presence of a second series element (Carbon series). The theme of abuse is part of the sphere of Oxygen. After expulsion from the womb and birth canal the newborn needs one thing more than anything else: oxygen! And Oxygen, potentized, captures the imprint of being expelled, pushed away and fending for oneself. Pam says her mother regarded her with aloof distance: āThe specimen can now walk.ā Now, we can better understand the significance of āsmotheredā in Dream 2, as being smothered involves the absence of oxygen.
But what is the metal in the remedy? Pam goes right to the source of her inner experience: āIt feels GOLDEN AND YELLOW AND LIFTED AND STRONG. POWER! Iām the center. The center of an atom, and thereās all these things coming out, electrical lines, or whatever [HG]. In my meditation that image will come, where I can see swirling electrical light lines around me, and then thereās me, coming into that. Yeah, Iām the center of the atom, the center of this thing now, and it got plugged in. Itās like a heartbeat almost, a bumph, bumph, bumph [HG of heart expanding]. But a very liftedā¦ā Here we can be certain that we need an element from the Gold series, the sixth series . Her description of the interiority of the atom mirrors her own self-awareness, her own challenge in self-actualization. The drive to actualize and manifest oneās own inner power is met by the potentization of elements from the Lanthanide series, a part of the Gold series. The Lanthanides relate to inner knowing, self-control through self-knowledge (see endnote 2). Now we can better understand the dream figure of the bursarā¦a controlling figure at the University!
But which Lanthanide? She identifies with JK Rowling, possibly the most successful Young Adult Fiction author of all time. This brings us to stage10, Gadolinium.
Pam is adversely impacted by dreams: She tries to control her own subconscious (a Lanthanide theme) so that it doesnāt impact her experience of waking up. A newborn (second series) needs a gentle transition from sleep to wakefulness.
So, can we give Gadolinium oxydatum? I felt that this didnāt quite cover some additional themes in the case ā notably, Eternity, Panic, Unity, and Annihilation. The remedy Hydrogen contains the issue of creation from nothingness, and its polarity, annihilation. Rubrics of Hydrogen which could be taken include:
Delusions, imaginations: enlarged
Delusions: energy, of powerful
Dreams: high places
Estranged: family, from her
Fear: panic attacks, overpowering
While Oxygen feels pushed out and discarded, Hydrogen feels so completely without support that she is not even noticed. Hydrogen is a good remedy for panic attacks. Hydrogen reflects the world of matter at its simplest, most undifferentiated and therefore unified state. The element hydrogen, atomic number and weight of ONE, exemplifies a state of UNITY.
Given that she is very comfortable and even prefers to work with her dreams, her level of experience (using Rajan Sankaranās approach) is āLevel 4ā or āDelusionā. This corresponds to a potency of 1M or Q7. For reasons I cannot recollect, I gave her Q5.
Prescription: Gadolinium Hydroxide Q5 (Noetic Remedy - see endnote 3)
Follow up (May 27, 2011)āØIām doing REALLY well, in a good space, appreciative of the work weāve done. More times than not, Iām happy. It feels really nice. I woke up, thinking lots to do, a little behind, but an upsurge of happiness and joy. āYes, I can do that.ā Itās a nice space to be in, rather than few and far between, itās more consistent. Four to five mornings a week - and itās growing; just content; a really nice feeling.
I had a great dream about four nights ago, where I graduated. Iād gone through the ceremony, cleaned out my locker. Everything was done, finished. I was walking out of the school and I decided I didnāt need to take a whole bunch of stuff, just a couple of books, a couple of boxes. Wow, feels like Iāve gone to another phase, in terms of integrating who I am. It feels really good, exciting. Wow. Reflecting back, this time a year ago, wow, thatās a lot of change in a year. Itās amazing to me. Itās not detached, but I feel I have wisdom, and I will share it with you, so hereās the wisdom [HG] but you can do whatever you need to do with it, but Iām not going to get vested in whether or not you do something with it. Iāll put the present down for you. Itās different from my codependentā¦ Separation rather than distance. Iām standing more in my ground. Iām in a really good space.
Iām excited to go forward. It does feel like the graduation. Two friends of ours: one who is New Age, airy-fairy, another who is more solid, a business womanā¦ Iām more on the continuum, further out, more radical. Peggy says āNo, Mom, youāre way off the bell curve.ā At first I wasnāt comfortable with that. Now, YES I AM, and Iām excited about it. Not completely 100% integrated, but MUCH more comfortable with that. Yes, I have done my work, I have my wisdom, and yes, I am off the bell curve, and thatās ok, because everybody has their own path. Wow, what a journey! So, thank you. Itās been an experience of blossoming.
Peggy, 27 years old, working with kids, her head itching, asked me to comb her hair, check for lice. I would NEVER have done that with my mother; would have gotten a lecture, been chastised, made fun of. I would never have sought comfort from my Mom. Isnāt it fabulous that Peggy, whoās 27, can come in and say, āIt would just make me feel better - can you comb out my hair? And Iāll feel secure [HG] with you checking me for lice.ā Wow, a cool thing; Iāve severed the chain - from my Mom and her Mom and her Momās Mom - of abuse, and now my daughter is comfortable being vulnerable with me and asking me to check her. Iām coming into my Elderhood.
Iāve started doing guided writing. If others can do it, I can. Type what I see in my mind. Now I have 10 or 15 scenes. Iām writing three books at once. Thereās no judgment. Whatever scenes comeā¦. I know the Heroās Journey so well, the supreme ordeal between the characters. The thread is that all religions have a commonality thatās all one. They discover the golden thread that runs through, that all is one. But there are overlays to it. The project brings in all the aspects of myself. [Characters] decoding some truth. String theory, time popping, crossing to parallel universes.
Iām integrating that I DO have a wealth of knowledge; I do know what Iām doing - trusting that I donāt have to understand it. Just close my eyes, visualize the scene, and start typing.
How is this different from old way of writing?āØThis is more alive. This is what Iād have in moments with the old writing. It would be few and far between. Never finishing the old bookā¦I couldnāt get pastā¦Iād maybe have 15 scenes this way, but I couldnāt sew them together with the others where I struggled to make the scene logically work.
I did a ceremony to move past my block in actualizing myself. What came up was a memory of when we lived in ------. We lived in a two-storey house with dormer windows. My brother and sister threw me out of the dormer windows. Thatās what came up viscerally. It wasnāt just āI canāt actualize because I might dieā; it was that I, at 4 years old, literally WOULD have [died]. I represented whatever went wrong with the family. Their solution was to throw me out the window onto the dormer. I saw myself with my little white hand pounding.
What did you feel at the time?āØAbsolute panic, anxiety. [A siren sounds in the background, outside of my office.] I blacked out a little. I caught myself, pounding on the window, to let me back in. Standing there, betrayal. Not understanding, totally confused ā āwhat did I do?ā Why? Wasnāt like they intended me to die; more, āYouāre OUT of here.ā The sensation was that I was thrown away. Incredible feeling of nausea; I vomited and vomited and vomited. Cried even more. Thatās been in me, energetically, all this time. Iāve been trying for years to throw that up. I threw it up, got it out of myself. Now I see that thatās why I couldnāt actualize myselfā¦ My 3 year old self was afraid of being thrown out the window.
It feels to me like youāre really graduating.āØWell, thank you. Iām just so appreciative that 1) you were available, and 2) all the wisdom you shared, and the remedies. Every remedy built on whatever I needed at the time. I never had the expectation that we had to have the perfect remedy. I donāt think I would have been ready for this remedy when we started. It would have beenā¦ using a Brillo pad on the chakra centers. You never do that. You smoothly polish them. Having this remedy the day I came to see you would have been wrong. It would have been like [hearing] classical music never having heard any music. I wouldnāt have been ready for it. Each one was an unfolding, so that when we got to this remedy, I would know what to do with it. I think everything was spot on for what I needed at the time. Thank you.
Doug Brown lives and practices in Portland, Oregon
Endnotes
1.All names are fictionalized.
2.Scholten, Jan. Secret Lanthanides. Stichting Alonnissos, Utrecht. 2005.
3.For a short description of Noetic Remedy please see the āDiscussionā section of my article, Snakes in My Bed: A Case of Funiculus umbilicus humanum, (Interhomeopathy, February 2012) at: www.interhomeopathy.org/snakes-in-my-bed-a-case-of-funiculus-umbilicus-humanum. Gadolinium hydroxydatum is now available from Remedia.
Keywords: childhood trauma, newborn, unity, eternity, annihilation, panic, power
Remedies: Gadolinium hydroxidatum.