Fritillaria meleagris
Fresh plant, trituration proving, 31 March - 1 April 2017
Güssing - Langzeil
Project management: DR. Christina Ari
Fritillaria meleagris Luising
Order: Liliales
Family: Liliaceae
Subfamily: Lilioideae
Genus: Fritillaria
Species: checkered flower, synonym: checkerboard flower or plover's egg.
Fritillaria meleagris was first described by Carl von Linné in 1753. Fritillaria means cup and meleagris guinea fowl and refers to the typical pattern of the flower.
The checkered flower grows as a perennial herbaceous plant. It has a round bulb, 1 to 2 centimeters in diameter, consisting of a few bulb scales. In early spring, it sprouts an unbranched and nearly round stem about 15 to 20 centimeters long. The above-ground parts of the plant are glabrous. There are usually four to six grayish-green leaves alternately on the stem. The simple leaf blade is a maximum of 1 centimeter wide, linear, and narrow-ridged.
The flowering time is from April to May. The flowers, usually single, rarely in pairs, are nodding to drooping. The hermaphrodite, trifoliate almost odorless and broadly bell-shaped. The six equal-shaped perigone leaves, about 4 centimeters long, their blunt tip usually somewhat bent over, are checkered purple-white or greenish-white. Even in the completely white form Fritillaria meleagris f. alba, the eponymous patterning is still faintly visible.
The six stamens are clearly surmounted by the perigone leaves. The 10 to 13 mm long free stamens are white and the anthers are yellow. Prominent nectaries are present. Three carpels are fused to form a superior, three-chambered ovary. The pistil is three-cleft. The erect, up to 15 mm long, angular, trifid capsule fruit contains numerous seeds per ovary compartment
Illustration by Jacob Sturm (1796)
The chromosome number is 2n = 24. Based on the basic chromosome number of the genus Fritillaria of x = 12, diploidy is present.
The checkered flower reproduces by seed formation and vegetatively by brood bulbs. The checkered flower is a cold germinator. Pollination is by insects, with hymenopterans such as bumblebees and bees playing a central role.
The checkered flower is a light plant, which means that it grows in full light and tolerates shading only within limits. Its ecological focus is on wet, partially flooded, low-air, moderately nitrogen-rich, neutral loam and clay soils. The checkered flower occurs especially in societies of the order Molinietalia, but also in those of the order Arrhenatheretalia.
The checkered flower is a subatlantic-submediterranean flora element. According to Krausch, its natural range extends from Normandy through central and southern France, the foothills of the Alps, Croatia, Serbia, Hungary, and as far as Romania. In Central Europe, the species is probably not original and its occurrences are due to overgrowth and deliberate planting.
In Austria, for example, it is found in eastern Styria (municipality of Großsteinbach) and in southern Burgenland (Hagensdorf- Luising). The chess flower is highly endangered in Germany and is considered specially protected under the Federal Species Protection Ordinance, as it is in Austria in the individual federal states. It is mainly threatened by the destruction of its natural habitats in wet meadows, riparian forests and floodplains of rivers (Flussauen). Furthermore, the continuing eutrophication of soils by fertilizers has a causally reducing effect on its population. In Austria, the chess flower is considered to be threatened with extinction. In Switzerland it has been fully protected since 2000.
Like most Fritillaria species, the chess flower is poisonous to humans. The bulb in particular contains a number of toxic alkaloids, including the steroid alkaloid imperialin, which can cause circulatory problems, vomiting, and convulsions, and at high doses (especially in children), cardiac arrest. Spasmolytics are administered for treatment.
Chess flower, although probably less common than in the past, is grown in gardens for planting in borders and rock gardens and as a cut flower.
(Excerpt from the plant description in Wikipedia).
Chessflower meadow near Luising
Fresh plant trituration March 31 and April 1, 2017 in Güssing, Langzeil.
Schedule
March 16, 2017
Application for legal plant removal submitted to the Burgenland provincial government.
March 19, 2017
First inspection of the meadow in Luising, 2 specimens sighted, determination of the trituration date.
March 28, 2017
Receipt of the positive decision of the Burgenland provincial government.
March 31, 2017
9 am- Removal of an entire plant, including rootstock by Mr. F. Gombotz on the
Chessflower meadow in Luising, in fair weather, outside temperature 10 degrees Celsius.
1 p.m.: Arrival of the group in Langzeil and lunch together.
2 p.m.: preparation of the plant material according to the rules of fresh plant trituration
according to Organon 6 §270
3 p.m. Start of trituration in two groups, C1 and C2.
Group 1: Susanne, Vesa, Franz, Ruth
Group 2: Peter, Irina, Julia, Christina
April 1, 2017
Continuation of the trituration in one group, C3 and C4
Susanne, Vesa, Ruth, Peter, Irina, Julia, Christina
September 8, 2017, Vienna
Under the guidance of Dr. med. Susanne Diez the substance from the Güssing C1 trituration will be triturated with six other participants.
The triturating team in Güssing, Langzeil
Dr. med. Susanne Stoeckl Gibs P1
Dr. med. vet. Vesa Ari P2 no text recordings
Franz Swoboda, MD P3
Ruth Bonin Schulmeister, MD P4
Dr. rer. soc. oec. Peter Stoeckl P5
Irina Rittler, MD P6
Julia Michels P7 no text records
Christina Ari, MD P8
Project management: Dr. med. Christina Ari
Mag. pharm. Robert Müntz was invited in principle to the drug trituration in Güssing.
At Remedia in Eisenstadt, however, a cultivated plant from a nursery had already been prepared a few days before the trituration in Langzeil; flower, leaf and stengl were triturated in accordance with the regulations for the preparation of medicines. This remedy is available in potentized form at Remedia and commercially.
Pre-observation (V):
V/P1: I can't watch the flower being cut. On the white plate it looks like laid out, as if on the dissecting table
V/P4: Around the time I learned about the upcoming trituration, I had a dream that didn't fit into my other dream events, but may have something to do with the upcoming exam.
Dream: pleasant erotic feelings from a very long past love, I then got a visitor and the person was standing in front of the door with some bags and utensils. I opened and my eyes immediately fell on these packages.... and I asked myself indignantly inside... what does that mean...? I am happy about a visit... but he wants to move in with me now. I was particularly touched, like questioning and the emotional, romantic feelings from before were cooled down on the spot... what's going on...I don't want it like that.
Car ride to Güssing: It was extremely important to me to be on time (generally I don't like to be unpunctual) especially because Christina mentioned that she finds it tedious (understandably) when everyone arrives at some point...when we made a short detour, I was no longer "worried"...and we were completely on time.
V/P6: When cutting: "beauty", snake pattern, 6+6 (3/3).
Onion: like a man, a little man, looks like two eggs.
“Bleeds".
"Like beautiful dish”.
Smell: "green", like fish (??).
Flower like snake pattern.
"Gewurl "during
CONFUSION/ bring clarity into it
struggle for structure, despite clear plan.
V/P8: naivety, spontaneity.
Insecurity, awkwardness, without confidence.
Desire to do something forbidden, such as picking more than one specimen.
Bad conscience if everything does not go quite right.
Fear of being observed or caught trying to do something forbidden.
I persuaded Mr. Gombotz to pick two specimens. An hour later, he got nervous and returned one specimen.
The approval process was cumbersome: application via LR Verena Dunst, LR Eisenkopf, Office for Environmental Protection and everything back again!
C1- Trituration, Group 1.
C1/P1
Stinging-pulling right shoulder, from behind, wave-like.
Trituration substance is of rubbery consistency, green smell.
Scratching goes easily, substance comes off in flakes from bowl as if not wanting to continue trituration.
Feeling of being locked in the room cut off from the world.
Outside is the blooming, plump life, I am not a part of it, it passes me by.
When I look through the window, I am part of it again.
Feeling like from childhood: lonely playing in a dusty yard ( drawing)
Not thinking, but accepting what is. To fit in.
Picture: Childhood in post-war Vienna. Good old clothes, the holes carefully patched - beautiful things in decay, worn with pride and sadness, we survived, that's what we still have.
There are no new things, only old ones that need to be cared for and guarded.
Set pieces of small happiness.
During the time control:
It does not make a good feeling to see the second hand on the clock running in circles.
In one complete revolution, my heart beat about seventy times. What if the hand suddenly went backwards? We would continue to age.
Feeling: a child grasps for the first time that life does not last forever.
I'm spellbound by the second hand.
Where has all the sugar in the grating bowl gone?
The grating is too loud.
The little dog Kira bites at me.
It's important that the tablecloth fringes lie straight ( I keep arranging them!).
Clap, clap make Kira's teeth.
Timelessness.
Fritillaria meleagris Luising
C1/P2
1st: the plant is bleeding - a trail of blood in the bowl - disgusting, repulsive smell,
Head stinging, front, back, nauseous, lump in throat, need air, turn away, breathe deeply, soft knees, dizzy: I smell and see a massacre - blood, body parts: I am at the scene of a crime. As who? Forensic scientist? No, I came in after the fact, on the cleanup team. Haven't been on the force long. I'm disgusted, he's choking me, I'm trying hard not to throw up, I'm close.
It's all about cleaning. I scrape off the walls, clean carpets, windows, furniture, get praise for my spirited scraping. (In a moment Ruth will have said, "Thank you, that looks quite different already." Namely, neatly cleaned up, the bowl, and a nice little pile in the middle).
Afterwards I feel done, tired, lump in throat, nauseous, distraught, yes, distraught is the appropriate word. I don't seek contact with the others in the round, I'm busy with my distraction.
Coughing as I bend my head forward. Head and eyes heavy, eyes moist, pressure in temples.
3. smoke rises from the bowl, or dust? No, smoke! Does this have to do with the pictures before? With the bodies and body parts, the blood, my cleaning? My God, where am I, what am I doing?
Food hits me, I think: Down with it! And swallow it.
I see myself awaken and realize with relief that it was all a dream.
I still feel sick in my throat, my mouth is dry.
For the next few minutes I don't feel anything, I don't feel and I don't think at all. When I notice this, I realize I've drugged myself. With alcohol, probably. To forget.
I see my son ask me (the father who numbs himself with alcohol):
"Dad, what was it like then? What did you do?" -
"Leave me alone, don't ask such stupid questions," I answer.
"But Dad, why don't you tell?"
"Because it's none of your business!"
"But," says my son's mother, "he's your son after all, he just wants to know what his father did."
(Note: I avoid talking about "my wife." The wording needs to be more distant. "Mother of my son" creates distance, fits better with my sense of distance from both son and wife).
"But it's none of his business," I say, "he should fuck off," I say, "what's my fucking life to him, what's his fucking life to me? It's none of his fucking business, and I'm not talking about it. I'm not talking and I'm dying of stomach cancer here," I say.
(Pressure and nausea I feel.)
(As if it didn't matter with which pestle you rub. I want to have your worries.)
5. stay away from me! I think you all suck, I think I suck, I suck.
What is it that I can't say?
Descended - this word hits it, I have descended into a low of being human, of which I can hardly speak. At the same time: it is clearly not a feeling of guilt, but a feeling of shame, and that is huge.
We've had our way with corpses. Some of us, anyway. Now you probably want to hear more, details to make you feel comfortably disgusted, don't you? I won't do you that favor, imagine what you want.
I laughed along with the others in the troupe at the horrors. I laughed because I didn't want to be noticed, because I wanted to belong. No, I didn't join in out of fear, I was just a coward. I'm ashamed to say that I was such a cowardly asshole.
You can't love someone like that, stop pretending you can. I've spent my life trying to make it up to them, but I can't. I took away these people's honor, or how do you say it? Dishonored is how you say it, no, desecrated, right? And again, I don't feel guilt, but I could spit in my face, every time I walk by a mirror.
C1/P4
Even before the first rubbing.
Clear feeling of the nasal mucosa in the front third.
Also slight itching in the left and right ear canal.
Pulling left rear neck muscles.
During 1st rubbing
Itching right eyebrow
Pulling rear right neck muscles
Repeated yawning.
1st scraping
Feeling of heaviness rear neck.
Overall slight shivering.
Below navel slight pulling (uterus area ?) feeling of intestine in this area.
Time seems longer (than 4 min scraping).
There is an image like..dragged through the swamp.
Intense plant smell of deep green swamp ?
The nose is running, I don't know any hay fever symptoms at all.
2nd friction
As Franz begins with the 2nd friction, briefly intense, first pleasant nutty smell..which then turns into the unpleasant, smelling of paint, varnish.
I clearly feel my spine..like pulled..picture appears like Jesus on the cross arms outstretched and slightly curved spine...as if pulled away obliquely lies.
I think: unusual..am not church religious..but it is just fittingly Easter time.
the inner picture appears before the thoughts!
The sentence arises in me: the cross in the cross.
My bladder announces itself - much water left.
During my 2nd friction I feel and see a picture of quicksand...light fine sand with light bright energy.
light bright energy............but what lies underneath ?? the abyss ??
3rd friction: first sluggish..then playful.
Image: like pulled through the green swamp underneath quicksand.
Group 2
C1/P5
"Time passes extremely sluggishly."
"Smell pungent."
"Grated food very difficult to detach from porcelain bowl."
"Aroma weighs on the trachea."
"Trachea feels irritated."
Overall more sensitive to odors - foreign as well as own.
Christine to Peter: "You look feminine, like an old woman."
Irina thinks P. "looked like a little boy earlier."
Heart palpitations - sitting quietly.
"I'm good anyway."
"Would like to have stockings with a pattern like the flower, but then they don't have much to do with
Being good."
"This cock is the better one."
"Think penises - but not big ones. I can think of altar boys' penises for that."(Christina)
Restlessness in the 6th round
Serenity has left me."
"... Not so lustful with the cock anymore."
"I imagined it more pleasurable."
"Routine"
"Like when someone jerks you off, and he doesn't cum."(Christina)
"Now it's getting dirty, after the virgin dress."
"The little flower is not unsnappy.”
C1/P6
1 round C1
Certain sharpness, "I have to sneeze", bites in the nose, nose runs.
BITES IN THE NOSE.
Smells really intense, bissl angnervt, too much, somehow.
P: "Time passes too slowly", "...just wondering how slowly time passes".
I sit between J(very calm, singing) and P (certain impatience), "as if split".
squeaking noise from the Stessl is annoying.
P: "intense, how that is connected with the porcelain"/ radiating restlessness.
biting in the nose !
Little eye itching, biting.
2nd round C1,rubbing
Absolute gratitude, need to thank plant.
gentleness, unbelievably gentle, soft when rubbing in.
"I don't need to do anything, not even to picture".
Pleasant emptiness and calm, makes a bissl dizzy, bites in the nose, almost sneezing.
Talks about women's cycles and sexual maturity...in me: "it's not important right now", lasting pleasant emptiness.
3rd round C1
silence, less restlessness, think P looks like little boy, very sweet
persistently pleasantly quiet, coming down, atmospheric still a mix of stillness/quiet and restlessness/impatience, wurlert
"the way to Quetzal is through the center,...true receptivity lies in the womb space"
4th round C1, rubbing.
Becomes a bit more restless in the bowl, "jumps out more easily”,
feeling of being splashed in the left eye, as if cauterized.
picture from the left, again and again, man trying to get through a glass door, picture doesn't quite come through, doesn't matter.
5th round C1.
My socks look like checkerboard:-)
Have even a virgin Kleud with.... "we want to see then..."
Details are also important.
Still pleasantly calm, need nothing at all.
Picture of man becomes clearer, bissl mixture of Hotzenplotz and Hook, bissl Middle Ages
Laughter in the room, stories of altar boys, stories of growing up and penis.
"Now it's getting dirty”.
A bit of palpitations, a bit of headache.
"There goes the smoke", dusting.
6.round C1, rubbing
I want recognition, get it, "that's not the point", a bit snippy.
Now it's getting really dirty.
The cock is better in the hand, a better penis".
A bit impatient, "like when you jerk someone off and he doesn't come".
C1/P8
Already while crushing the plant my nose started to run.
Julia hums.
Peter says that time passes slowly.
Everything should proceed in an orderly fashion, be precisely weighed and thoughtful that everything is done by the book.
Irina sits in the field of tension of the two rubbing.
The first 6 minutes pass very quickly.
Everything is exact and correct, as if small-minded.
The heart level opens more and more, the chest expands with each breath.
It is green, virginal, a scent of grass mixed with cod liver oil.
"What if I started menstruating again after 10 years?"
Immediately my thoughts are in puberty, the time of menarche
Everything is eagerly awaited, nothing has really happened yet
Everything still lies ahead of me, a lifetime of womanhood.
All still tender, untouched, free from.
Full of interest, what will it be like the first time. Does it hurt?
Actually it's not allowed, not yet, what if someone finds out.
Full of desire for it.
The virgin, the nun or the old woman who already knows nothing about it, as if it were once again the first time!
Again restlessness in the chest area.
Tension of expectation.
Irina has brought a virgin dress and a purple scarf. The details are important. I want her to put on makeup and Julia wants to do it.
Desire to breathe deeply.
Altar boys in Lent with purple collars, bells in hand, and way too big black shoes under their white gowns. Their penises are still small, but when they are erect, they literally burst under the gown. The blush rises to their faces. Is it allowed to be like that?
C2 Trituration
Group 1(P1-P4)
C2/P1
Frittilaria meleagris or Fritillaria meleagris? Fritillaria - fringe, fringe, a flirtatious word. What does Fritillaria mean - the trembling, the quivering, the trembling blackening?
The flower seems so serious and world-weary-each on its own.
My state of mind: a stagnant water, no inflow, no outflow.
The last lines from the Doderer poem "Die Strudlhofstiege" come to mind:
"Much has sunk to our sorrow, and the beautiful shows the smallest duration".
Strudlhofstiege - the 20s in Vienna. Liberation of the bourgeoisie from some conventions.
I find it pleasant to be embedded in a quiet time structure.
It is important to me to hand over the rubbing bowl neatly, everything nicely scraped together in the middle.
Dreams of the night unfortunately not remembered, but slept well despite a lot of alcohol in the evening.
Nightly feeling: there is something to do, I must not forget it in the morning - familiar feeling.
C2/P3
(The following pictures form a kind of pre- or early story to the C1 story).
1 An 11-year-old girl and a 13-year-old boy are walking together across a high flowering summer meadow. They walk side by side, then they get closer to each other, smell each other, sniff each other, feel feelings about each other that are new to them. They feel each other anew, the longer they are close to the other.
This kind of closeness is forbidden in the sect in which they live. They are brought before a tribunal. They have to learn that they have experienced forbidden things, that their feelings (not deeds, because there were no deeds) are forbidden, bad, not allowed to be.
How are the two young people afterwards? What happens in them? (Not with each other, but in each of them?) How will they see themselves from now on? The naivety is gone. Never again will they simply enjoy smelling another.
From now on, the pleasure will be associated with the feeling of doing something forbidden. And at some point it will have led to the fact that they have to do forbidden things in order to feel enjoyment. From the forbidden enjoyment they will have come into the enjoyment of the forbidden. And then into the exclusiveness that enjoyment is only possible when it is forbidden. And the measure of the forbidden is related to the measure of enjoyment. The more forbidden, the higher the enjoyment.
3. I try to make obscene rhymes in the next rubbing time. Does not succeed. Is an attempted escape into banality. Plump.
5. I've never spilled so much out of the bowl when I'm rubbing. "Stained" is the word for it. Immaculate - with what esteem is that associated, and with what disparagement the opposite of being stained.
My hand becomes stiff from rubbing, becomes a clawed hand. I have to bend the middle finger passively in the proximal finger joint, so stiff has the finger become. (Juvenile rheumatism? Is a fleeting idea that comes here. To be an outsider, to be ashamed of one's abnormal appearance, of disfigurement).
Enjoyment - punishment - prohibition. Need punishment to be able to enjoy, shame and enjoyment belong together. Free sexuality is not possible. Sex goes only unfree. No feeling of guilt, but shame. Shame and hiding, because I need the forbidden to enjoy.
Sadomaso, snuff, sex with minors, best with injury, bleeding! Best it must bleed. Forbidden, shame, abortion, injury.
633.7
C 2/P4
1. Friction
It is a plant with water reference
Sneezing again
Several times itching on upper palate, inside of mouth from rh to lh at ear level.
Mood slightly grumpy, minor irrelevant "cheeky grumpy" remarks.
2. Friction
I am interested in taking a closer look at the "abyss" under the quicksand it is dark and earthy I enter cave passages..they are narrow angular cube-like nested like geometrically arranged passages..very precisely delineated diagonally crisscrossed like a checkerboard pattern but diagonally and crosswise.
A little later the color blue shows up clearly, sky-blue energy.
Time passes faster and lighter.
The word upright..sincerity becomes important.
The stem is upright.
Being upright as a value in itself.
Relationship theme Kira looks for persistent contact (as I have experienced it in the dream above) and creates it.
Kira bitch Anima Snow White.
Kira makes contact, is a communicator.
Thoughts lead me to former relationship stories, these produce inner joyful smiling.
picture2
Picture 2 of C2/P4
started to draw the stem spine upright..straighten up..but the head hangs,
shows its treasures (the pistils) not only when drawing arises by itself the picture of Fritillaria.
Group 2 (P5- P8)
C2/P5
Second round:
Silent round.
"Am back to boy penis."
"Much tougher, much more strenuous"
"Rubbing is much easier, time passes much more quickly - even when scraping."
"You have to do it this way because you do it that way."
"Under the spell of tradition."
"Shit on what you have to do, what's proper.
"With time, we are good. Time is kept.”(17:25).
Sleepiness spreads. Silence.
"Pictures of fields with flowers”.
"Guilt and innocence”.
Nausea, tense neck, heaviness.
"Hands fall off."
"Onion - small eggs"
"It's not about the normal sex for having children.
But about what is called perverted by the church.
Lesbians, gays - delicate creatures not in demand by the masses."
Time Overlooked.
C2/P6
PAUSE, Conclusion: a silent group, a nonsense group
Polarity seriousness/ restlessness
1st round C2
Eye itching more, extending to forehead headache, tired
Hotzenplotz is probably a goblin "Wrinkle", or something like that
nobody says nothing, are suddenly a very quiet group
"when does she finally reveal herself ?"
2nd round C2, rubbing out
Heaviness, silence, more difficult.
Boy penis, but not meant slippery, boy penis just.
You are a very pretty, tender... "don't forget, I am poisonous”.
... "so I can eat you better..." (???).
Pictures of soldiers on field being shot.....therefore comes the red color of the flower...OUCH...what heaviness, iron ?
When scraping together again much lighter, more efficient.
3rd round C2
Calm, calm, heaviness.
Review of the week before the rubbing: appearance of the men from past long-term relationships, return, respectful.
Fear I really burned my eye earlier, wonder if it can be real...really burns, circular, tiny in the left corner of the eye, inside, above.
4th round C2, rubbing.
Thoroughness!
Alchemy and accuracy are incredibly important!
"where do you come from anyway ?"... "across the sea".
Tiredness, pleasantly relaxed.
5th round C2
Pictures of the Middle Ages, Holland.
Rubbing sounds like sea splashing.
Pictures of copulating couples (from behind ), fits like this, emotionless.
6th round C2, rubbing.
Heaviness, tiredness.
Again a little better, again bissl more conversations about sexuality.
Nausea.
C "I hope I'm not pregnant", laughs,...dishonorable, it can make you feel sick.
Physical symptoms:
Eye burning, "cauterization" only during trituration, fine in between, but for a long time during trituration again and again
noticeably large bladder volume, urine smells intense - also only during trituration, otherwise not !
V+P come back from the trip: "you can hardly see them, they are so adapted”.
C2/P7
Drawing
C2/P8
Laughing with tears in the eyes.
There is a lot of excitement, anxious to see what is coming.
It's hard for me to assert myself, I'm a bit furtive in my expression and insecure.
Forbidden things, then feelings of guilt, doing hidden things.
You don't even have to talk about it or you can lie completely unabashedly.
Actually it is none of my business what the others do and think.
It is only about my thing, which seems important to me right now and it is only about those who are involved in the same thing
I do not feel embarrassed at the moment when I do the forbidden things, no, only afterwards. Then comes the remorse or the doubt.
Stuck in traditional norms
the way it has always been, the way others have always done it. So we should do it again, that tradition does not die.
Like a judgment made to ensure us safety and support.
We owe that to the ancestors, but also to the future ones.
But I don't want to go along with that, it's just deadly boring and paralyzing. I get pain from these virtues, it's too Catholic for me, it reminds me of the crusade.
I want to be free, be different, stay alive, break boundaries, explore.
To be independent of the criticism of others
But then comes the fear of falling all the way out and then who am I?
Am I individual enough to exist in my particularity alone.
Yes, I am
I stand completely outside, at the edge, there I feel freer, there I can give free rein to my own personal inclinations.
Nobody needs to follow me, at the edge there are always some others. Even if we only stand isolated, we stick together. We are the outsiders who form our own little group.
My God, why have you abandoned me?
Excluded from the community because you are sullied.
Too beautiful, too exact, too sensitive, too fragile, too demanding
you don't fit in with the others
so sensitive, so special, maybe gay or lesbian, the sex is a tender one, not coarse, not destined for superficial sex that does not have the depth one so longs for to feel the fulfilment, the total surrender. Otherwise everything gets stuck in routine and suffocates. Longing for erotic fulfilment
The muscles in my arms pull, feel painful, ache.
Serious sensation.
The hermaphrodite
Shudder!!!
Is this about the story by Hebbel called Maria Magdalena? The good daughter who is impregnated premaritally and then chooses suicide to save her father's honour!!!! Makes me sick! Her brother is also convicted of being a thief and all become victims of societal morality and order.
Follow up after day 1 of P8:
April 1, 2017 Langzeil, Güssing.
Last night I had a tremendous desire for alcohol and socializing. It was beautiful and harmonious, warm and intelligent. No intoxication, just clarity.
Slept 6 hours and also dreamed, but can't remember anything. When I woke up my legs hurt from the knees down, this is new to me. I also feel my left shoulder, the "wound" between my shoulder and my thoracic spine (AS). I also woke up with a headache, but not the usual drama I know from me after drinking alcohol.
After some gigong exercises on the meadow, with Julia, everything was fine again. Vesa made us a wonderful breakfast, Peter and Susanne cut fruit- what a cozy conviviality.
Peter wanted to go shopping, but got lost.
Franz left us the night before, he went home.
His rubbing experiences tell about events that take away someone's innocence forever, like blood, murder, and death. There is stained innocence, stained conception. At the center is not a feeling of guilt, but a shame that has a stigmatizing effect. One is embarrassed, but one can never be pure or innocent again. Defiled for all eternity.
We decide on this second day of trituration to continue without Franz, only in a group. Kira, the bitch, also joins us again.
TRITURATION, DAY 2
Susanne, Vesa, Ruth, Peter, Irina, Julia, Christina
C3 trituration
C3/P1
Mix book titles: The unbearable slowness of being - The discovery of lightness.
Try to rub slowly and thoroughly.
A song comes to mind:
"Once upon a time five wild swans, swans shining colorful(!) and beautiful.
Sing, sing, what happened ? None was seen more yes."
Loss of unfulfillable longing, retreat to the fulfillable. Nostalgia runs through the stages of the writing for me.
Do swans have longing?
Longing for the distance, for flying, for spreading their wings.
It must be wonderful to fly on wide, strong wings, carried by light wind, over glittering water, in association and in mute agreement with the other beings - living ones.
Terrible is everything anyway (Irina)
Awfully fertile - better fertile than awful.
Must again watch the time closely, must not put the clock out of the hand. Look at it again, spellbound.
Christina hums.
Don't know anymore how many rounds of rubbing have already passed. Look blankly, let the time pass.
Suddenly there is talk of the Portrait of Dorian Grey. About the film "The Man Who Fell from the Sky".
Theme: not ageing. She ages already, he doesn't, he suffers when she dies.
C3/ P4
Emerging themes.
Low tone, not finding the right tone.
More height in tone → more lightness.
Stiffness stiffness saturnine knowing.
Painful stiffness in the right wrist -> not loose.
C3/P5
Silent round.
"Feel light - and serene."
"Dorian Gray - eternal youth."
"Snow White in the glass coffin - with the seven dwarfs".
"Remedy has a calming effect - even on the dog."
Viewing pictures painted by Vesa's grandfather:
Young girls picking first spring flowers under still bare trees.
Painting had to be painstakingly restored because it was relegated to the attic by Vesa's grandmother
where the cats pissed on it. The reason: the picture shows grandfather's mistress.
A young man in a winter landscape holding a struggling reindeer by the antlers:
Grandfather had driven for weeks again and again alone to Lapland and had had there another
wife there. Vesa's grandmother - a tall, beautiful woman - would have cut up their painted portraits with a kitchen knife.
kitchen knife - "as a warning."
"Ancestors are very present."
Chr sings a "teasing children's song":
"Hehehe, mir san die scheeneren Zwee" (Hehehe, we are the nicer two).
"Incredibly tired."
"Totally exhausted."
Need to get out - into the open.
(12:30)
Great sleepiness.
Burning eyes.
C3/P6
Slept well, but dreamless, or not rememberable.
Would like to sleep more, longer, getting up nevertheless possible, despite quite a lot of alcohol the day before;-),...nevertheless quite well together, relatively clear
Images emerge: old woman - the ghost of Fritillaria, or a grandmother/ancestor ?
Would like to dive further into the picture, linger, too little time, too bad.
1st round, C3
Atmosphere: simultaneity of missing seriousness and "dead seriousness
Relaxation, singing, humming, picture of young woman on field/meadow, again pictures of Middle Ages, then present time/ dirndl.
Sore throat again, far back.
Round passes remarkably fast.
Singing suddenly becomes more/ louder in the group, it actually bothers me, would like more quiet so I can take better pictures.
Do not like to take off my wool coat.
2.round C3, rubbing.
Rubbing again "very smooth.
Empty, tired but relaxed, have to yawn a lot.
Stories from "Timekeeper", think briefly if storytelling bothers me now...stories of lifetime and ageing, I think: "yes, eh, beginning and end, youth and age", move myself somewhere between virginity/chick and wisdom of old age.
Would like to work further with the bowl, especially scraping.
Have to go to the toilet, urine smells very strong again.
3rd round C3
Yawning, time passes very quickly, stories of ageing and youth.
Dorian Gray, The man who fell from the sky.
Yawning, a bit of the feeling of dust and.associated coughing.
Time very relative
4.round C3, expiring
Tales of Snow White and selling the soul, it is poisonous, already very.
Again feeling eye would be burned.
May neither stop rubbing nor scraping.
5th roundC3
Write it down, yawn !
Remember stories of preserving
Hand movement of C when rubbing looks like when wixing..../ get it down
I am not the only one who yawns, singing again, actually annoys me, find the silence so contemplative, again and again: "....damit I can eat you better."
Picture of Little Red Riding Hood and a Fritillaria in the forest (+wolf+basket).
"logically is yes the same color”.
Probably has something to do with fairy tales.
6th round C3, rubbing out.
Talking about fairy tales, myths, cruelty.
Linking with today: IS, cruelty the uncontrollable, losing control.
C3/P7
Drawing
C3/P8
Everything starts again with uncanny concentration and meticulous precision
One hums, smiles, is silent
Vesa pays attention to Kira, who is shredding a stuffed animal.
Sounds come out of me too, it feels good, they come out of the head, the neck, the chest area, the sounds cleanse the sore, the deep stain.
the tones cleanse, free, make light.
The head becomes free and pure and light and also the neck and also the heart.
The clay!!!
The clay army becomes apocalyptic horsemen.
Sincere, honest and accurate- relentless, direct and inescapable.
Timekeeper
Everyone has a certain lifetime, says Buddhism
People who physically never live past 30 and have to buy time to keep living.
Dorian Gray
The Man Who Fell from the Sky, Dawid Bowie and Catherine Deneuve, she grows old and dies and he is doomed to eternal youth.
Time is a factor, sometimes it flies by, sometimes it stops.
Saturnian sclerosis process- old age and wisdom.
Frozen in eternal youth, no possibility of development, because one has sold the soul to the devil.
The witch in disguise, as an old woman bringing the poisoned apple; Snow White in the glass coffin; forever young and already frozen in wax.
Seduction- secret temptation.
It bleeds.
Blood red.
Transformation.
The beauty and the beast.
All fairy tales are cruel
The point is to take away the beautiful and comforting from the fairy tales.
But the gruesome and horrible is needed as well, otherwise no one would want to read them.
The miracle of transformation, from the worst to redemption - the kiss of the prince charming.
Also the gods had their devil right in their pocket.
Dionysian cults.
The pillory, the public execution, the sacrificial lamb.
IS- killing videos. There is a pull that tempts people to watch something like that.
So, now I totally missed the time.
Vesa is sitting on his birch wood rocking chair that he got for his 50th birthday, in 2 days he will be 68 years old, not 78 as I just say.
Confusion, words are mixed up or misunderstood.
Julia hums.
The inquisition- killing in the name of the lily.
C4 trituration
C4/P1
Talking during trituration takes me away from my own inner processes. Have feeling of having given everything to the outside, my inner processes excreted and secreted; keeping nothing to myself.
The thing with sclerosing, the Saturn process.
What wisdom I give away! I have always been good at bluffing and pretending to draw from God knows what sources. But maybe I really am, and the little I know is just enough and represents the missing piece of the puzzle for now.
Breathing full and deep. Stinging in the nose when inhaling, as if from a chemical substance.
Christina:" Need to get out”.
Yes, me too. I feel the need for a noise-cancelling retreat, I don't want the chatter, it distracts me from my inner processes. ( Drawing: cross between a cheese dome and a bobble hat, in my imagination the dome turns into a glass enclosure with loud red-purple glass windows - like a Tiffany lamp, but structured quite straight. That's where I want to sit inside.
One should rub in a bare room, with no visual distractions. As soon as I put that down, Vesa pronounces it.
Feeling of swelling upper lip middle. Itching left corner of mouth.
Also in the following night no dream remembered.
During the day again and again self admonition to do slower, less doing, not hustling, not everything today and all at once - as usual.
Feels good.
C4/ P4
Ancestors keep popping up in conversations
thoughts about family of origin to my roots
Before the third round Saturn and Uranus hisses in between !
I scrape then however completely unconsciously the Schlögel and rub the whole further minutes. The exchange ( of scraper and mallets) took place completely outside of my consciousness...did not react even when I. looked at me for a long time long line until I realized the exchange
Conversation in the round: Saturn and Uranus; the witch on the funeral pyre witches have held together sat on the Haag (fence) and had from there this side and beyond in the view she simply goes through dissolves in the smoke, also men were burned as witches..not only women
Before the very last round
Confusion in the round we are done, do we have one more round ??? people who seem so exact to me are mistaken
some feel the need to express thoughts others take it up..talks about ancestors
Others want to be alone with the checkerboard flower.
Deeply the need to create order.
C4/P6
1st round C4
Confusion at the beginning, finally rubbing it out now !
Chatty atmosphere, I have the strong need to put things in order.
Even during the break, you can't drink coffee during a trituration.
Stories of family chronicles and secrets, children's testimonies “criss-cross,
Suicide,
2nd round C4, rubbing.
Rubbing is smooth, nice sounding, like tinkling wine glass.
Mistakes happen, sappralot, order !
3rd round C4.
Stories about witches, inquisition, saturn/ uranus, "the knowing ones", witch = hagezustra, looking over the fence.
Stories about astrology and daughters.
4th round C4, expelling.
Unspectacular, doesn't like anymore.
Stories about Finland, chatting mood, likes never.
Scraping rather than rubbing, again feeling of timelessness, get out of the way.
5th round C4.
Write down, tired, yawn, want to get out, yawn, actually enough now.
A bit annoyed about the constant talking, which I experience as chatting
Need for sterility, neutrality.
6th round C4, rubbing out.
All chattering, I am totally annoyed by it, should finally be quiet, actually only want to concentrate on Fritillaria !
Purity, Law, Order.
Everything must have its order, without distraction, actually it is about the pure again.
Conclusion
don't like to go for a walk, need rest, time for dreaming
ancestors appear, female, wants to go further into the pictures
C4/P7
Drawing.
C4/P8
The role of the men (Peter and Vesa) in our round is quite simple. But it is very important for me that they are there.
Ruth says: Without them it would be different.
Julia: I am very happy that they are there.
The Nordic paintings in the room (painted by Vesa's grandfather) with the northern lights shining in do us all good.
Vesa tells the story of his grandparents: grandma made a child with grandma's sister. In revenge, grandma made a child with grandpa's brother, it was a boy named Kai, he later killed himself when he was an adult. The secret about his paternity became known much later, long after his death.
Vesa goes back to being a sergeant, scolding me for overlooking the time.
Vesa is very quiet after the story and so is Kira.
A dead Vespa germanica lies on the ground, Vesa disposes of it
Deep breathing and sighing does good
Vesa scolds me a lot, but it somehow slides down me.
Again Vesa tells about his grandpa who was actually a photographer in Elimäki, southern Finland. He went to Lapland for 2 years to paint and left his wife with 2 children to live there with someone else.
I suddenly remember the conjunction of Saturn and Uranus in Melissa`s natal chart:
Sudden interruptus of a planned or usual situation.
Peter and Vesa are having a good time
All women are busy
Kira is sleeping
I feel exhausted, the spread makes me nauseous
Now everything hurts me, as if I had been knocked off. I sigh deeply
The witch is burning to regain her innocence!!!
After the trituration on April 1
After the rubbing we were all still on the meadow in Luising with the flowers.
Many were in bloom, but most were already fading.
Like sclerotized, much too dry, like little skeletons they remain like that for months. Empty shells, like tissue paper lanterns.
In between, countless colchicum plants.
Peter and Susanne went back to Vienna and Julia to Fürstenfeld.
The feeling of belonging to a group was gigantic.
Ruth, Irina and I then went to the sauna, which was fine.
Even Vesa was more sociable than usual.
Then came the energy drop, from the oven, rien ne va plus.
At 7 p.m. suddenly invading fatigue, like lead, you can not resist it. It was the same yesterday for Vesa, as well as for me. It happens exactly at sunset
Feel bloated, from sitting so much, go to sleep now and look forward to dreaming.
Vesa also had violent, painful bloating both days while rubbing.
Follow-up observations (N)
N/P4
After the remedy on the following days
I am very centered and productive; a clarity still lasting for days, in contact with others, in ordering, regulating pending tasks; good energy; exchange of topics quickly done
Computer problems as well.
unpleasant tasks go easily from the hand.
Very deep restful sleep, more need for sleep - no dreams remembered.
After the remedy on the following days
I am very centered and productive.
A clarity that lasts for days in contact with others, in ordering, regulating upcoming tasks good energy
exchange of topics quickly done.
computer problems as well.
unpleasant tasks go easily from the hand
very deep restful sleep, more need for sleep - no dreams rem.embered.
N/P6
NEXT WEEK
Wake up and have to go to the bathroom urgently, didn't even notice how full my bladder is, no pressure.
Stool during the last 2 days obstipated, dark, smelly.
Pain (pulling ) in the legs, even during the last days, by the way still (3 weeks later).
Slept well during the nights of trituration.
3d later massive low back pain, like broken off, not really hurting but still.
fell overall into my "unbalanced", symptom side, re-enforced my own symptoms (low back pain, discontent, confusion, leg pain )
I am still busy with thoughts about Fritillaria, that's why I postponed writing it down, needed distance, break, now it's good:-).
Stories of relationships, lack of relationships.
Thoroughness, dissatisfaction, tendency to confusion, breaking rules.
N/P7
Dear Christa I
Thank you so much for the weekend, with you....and with all the lovely people.
Was a new experience for me, and it was fun."
After I left you yesterday, I went briefly to Rose-Marie's in Heiligenbrunn
and told her about the weekend. That's when I realized that it's actually the axis Virgo I
Pisces that we have been working with. What do you think about that?
I was pretty confused; and had a hard time doing my stuff. I felt as if I had
a very long trip behind me. I was very glad to be back home again.
I also thought a little about what all had been there, and then came to the thought that we have actually distributed so much, which actually does not belong to the plant.
Actually we would have needed a completely neutral room, and we would have had to be very "clean"/cleaned/cleared, - to keep ourselves out of it. We all were not. So we have rubbed with the Kira, our sensations, our own stories and thoughts....Although we have said that all this is the chess flower, which triggers a process in us. That may be so. We have certainly rubbed the plant, but/ and also our own things. That is why it is the chess flower with our personal ingredients. It is not pure.
One reason why I did not make an additional trituration.
So a few thoughts about this trituration, now on SunDay.
Wishes you and Vesa, all the best
Ju o^o
N/P8
Afterwards
April 2, 2017
I slept wonderfully and wake up refreshed after 6,5 hours.
Had 5 dreams:
1. am in rotation, like to be a little late for work and shirk my duties, don't quite see myself being able to do them conscientiously. Am not a hero, but it is not important to me either. It is not about doing well. Short sex act in the chamber with colleagues, quickly get dressed again, someone could come and catch us doing it. We should think about our tasks in the hospital.
2. in my former school class, in the upper school. A teacher explains something and tells me to distribute the exercise material to the others, but there is not enough for everyone. I distribute things randomly and some get nothing. The teacher says it doesn't matter. The classmates are mad at me. I don't care, though, because even though I tried to do my assignment correctly, I realized that my attempt was pointless. The simple fact is that not everyone got material. I can't help it!
3.Am with the class on school trip and have with Manfred our class representative on the way something important to do. I had always been deputy class president. I am dressed very noble, in black, high shoes and a jacket with a big button in the waist, it fits like a glove. I look very seductive, but feel like I'm in a straitjacket, like I'm constricted. We walk side by side down a long corridor, he always pushes me to the side so that I brush against the wall. I'm afraid my clothes will become white and dirty, as if stained. Suddenly I notice that I was now in white pajamas. However, I don't mind that now, I suddenly don't care. There is no intention to do anything about it, I submit to the situation, there would be no point in acting. I have a sexual tingle with Manfred, could do it right away with him.
4. the class flies home by plane from the trip, the departure is delayed. I hear a mechanic say, "The battery is already weak, that could be the cause, but exactly you can't tell what's wrong with the machine. Never mind, we'll fly anyway!" I keep this info to myself, knowing that something could go wrong while flying. I don't care, can't do anything about it anyway.(Stage 14)
5. Am on the road with my granddaughter. We come to a rest house built of sand. She wants to play there, it's tempting and looks great. No one knows how long it will be there and look nice. It's dangerous to play there, it could all collapse and be gone at any moment.
The flower of oblivion.
It never happened. No one saw it, everyone knew it. It's too bad to be attached to. The bad is just passed over and people go on living as if nothing happened.
The never found corpse fields near the Kreuzstadel in Rechnitz.
The mass killings in Srebrenica.
All the genocides in the world.
Child soldiers and their fate.
All this is human and grass grows over it.
=Suppression into the collective subconscious.
3.633.66.14
My left SIG has been blocked since about 9 p.m. while I was sitting in my father's recliner.
At the same time, a terrible story from my youth emerges, from the time when I was robbed of my childhood and my innocence was lost. It happened when I entered puberty at the age of 10. I was sent to a school in the city. The boarding school was far away from the school and everyone else there was already older than me, over 14. I felt completely uprooted, not at all up to this situation. It was a huge challenge for me and I did everything as well as I could. I flirted with the adult world far too early, learned about sex and other forbidden things. Was exposed to the charms of the lust for life. They were stronger than anything I had known until then. I suddenly thought forbidden things and was ready to do them. I no longer belonged to the children and also not to the adults, I was only 10 years old.
I had lost the protection, there was nobody who would have caught me. I was like fair game. When I returned to my family half a year later, I had lost my innocence, my childishness forever, and I was branded for life. I was spoiled by the big city. Everyone saw in me the bad, the stained, the different. I became an outsider who had failed.
In the beginning I fought for my reputation, tried to always do everything well and neatly and thought that would make up for my flaw, someday, somehow. But then I gave it up, just lived with it as if nothing had happened, at most flirted with the evil in me and simply acted untouchable. But sometimes something stands in front of me and gives me the feeling that there is something wrong with me, that I am bad the way I am, and there is simply no escape.
The chess flower makes me feel okay as I am, as I am, with all my flaws and spots. It makes me feel good. A feeling of becoming just, of awakening reverently to oneself. I am full of respect for my own destiny.
Good night my dear, sleep well!
April 3, 2017
Vesa is 68 today, he had a dream last night:
He was in Pihlajatie ( the street where he spent his childhood)in Helsinki. He had a wooden truck trailer, the tire was flat. Looking for a workshop, he fell into a pond, on it he was wet up to the belly. In the end, however, he was able to solve the problem.
I myself woke up with an irresistible pressure on the bladder and was able to empty myself with a strong stream (otherwise rather not). I also dreamed something, but I can't remember it. The sleep was again very deep. In general, in the last few days there is a strong pull to sleep, to the realm of the subconscious, to the split off. Vesa simply fell asleep several times during the day yesterday. Sleep as the gateway to the subconscious.
There are always skeletons in the closet!
I buried the remains of the plants in the garden at 10 o'clock.
At 11 o'clock suddenly sharp pulling pains appeared in the small of the back, in the area of lumbosacral junction (AS, old discus prolapse L5- S1) How broken off it feels. As if the connection between above and below was disconnected. In addition sad depressive mood. The harmony and detachment of the last days has come to an abrupt end. Between 11 and 19 o'clock my complaints became increasingly worse. I could hardly get up from sitting and could not make any twisting movements in my back. I was displeased and extremely irritable, especially with my assistant who likes to forget to do things. I hate myself for scolding her. I should react much more cool and calm, I would like to master that! At home I also argued with Vesa, really hysterical and screeching, out of pure awkwardness.
Phone call with Julia:
She thinks it's not the plant, but everything else in the room that was rubbed. She is not a homeopath, has never participated in your trituration or in an AMSE before. It alienates her and she no longer wants to participate. I explain to her in general about the trituration process and its rules, I am emotional about it and I teach her. I think to myself, she or her ego just didn't get it. I ask her to send me her written notes anyway.
In the evening birthday party with Vesa, fat salmon and red wine - all much too late!
Now I'm lying in bed with the hot lava sand pillow in my back and I'm glad it didn't get worse.
April 4, 2017
The night was terrible, kept waking up. From 4 o'clock no more falling asleep.
Many barks in the nose, everything as if dried out, much thirst. Despite open window, feeling as if the room was overheated and the air much too dry. I had these complaints even before the trituration.
Three dreams:
1. I am in a small apartment, like in Liznjan, our vacation home. I receive a visit from an acquaintance from my student days at the Academy of Arts. He is looking for his handicapped child who is in therapy with me. I paint again. Since he has no place to sleep, I offer him my bed. It is much too narrow for both of us, we are naked and touching each other. My body is old and wrinkled, as if withered, my breasts like sacks. He is visibly disgusted, he does not want to show it, turns away from me.
2nd Again in small, new apartment. I am a therapist, rather a physiotherapist. Although I have just moved in, patients are constantly coming to my door, I can't help myself and am afraid of losing my space.
3. I am in a restaurant. A woman I don't like with a big hat is standing in front of me, it could be Liesl, Vesa's first wife. I show her openly that I dislike her.
It is a cross with the cross, really disgusting this restriction. Before I felt so good and right for 3 days. The complaints came after I had buried the remains of the plant in the garden, as if everything would be swept under the carpet again and sponge over it and forget.
Something happened to me, as if I had spilled something of myself again. Is it the children that I did not let live? What is it ?
What wants attention and reintegration?
I decide to give the outcast a place in me, a worthy place.
the pains could also be reminiscent of cramps of the uterus radiating into the small of the back.
I love my children
The heart opens and the sounds wait to be heard.
In great appreciation of all that is hidden and buried. All that has been condemned, covered up or buried because of a doctrine or moral.
My therapist succeeded in unblocking the blockage in my SIG to some extent. The pain is an expression of deeply repressed suffering and its causes, in which we are embedded and have a share through our humanity....thereby this humanity becomes richer by some facets again.
I have great respect for this aspect of the wheel of fate, which is elevated by acceptance, appreciation and loving attention to it and thus finds a part in the big picture.
I then went to look at it and then my heart opened, then I felt better!
Sometimes I am short of breath, with a contraction in the upper chest up to the larynx. This is like irritated and dry, so is the nose, it is full of bork. There is a feeling of heat from the inside to the outside. Ravenous hunger in the evening.
Mood irritated as soon as small problems occur. Want to convince everyone of my opinion, can become really pushy, make it clear to everyone exactly what it is all about. Do not tolerate ignorance, it drives me crazy.
Before and during the trituration I was full of casual tolerance, full of trust that everything would happen and work out as it should, full of generosity.
Today I try to force everything (I know this attitude from before). Everything needs a certain doctrine and runs narrow-mindedly.
The cross feels better, thank God.
In the evening I am extremely tired again, already since the afternoon.
It is 11 pm, the rain falls gently and without wind. It thunders, the first thunderstorm this year and the end of a long dry season!
April 5, 2017
Slept very well and deeply again this time, maybe because of the rain.
Nose is crusty and dry again, mouth sticky.
Vesa has been sleeping poorly, frequent awakenings, difficult to get back to sleep. His nose is also crusted.
There were dreams again:
1. I am in company of two men. One seems to have had a claim on me for some time, he makes no effort, is just by my side, as a matter of course. the other reminds me of an old friend, he looks attractive and tries to seduce me, to eroticize me. However, nothing happens. It turns out that he actually wants in opiate prescription from me, he is a junkie. It unsettles me, seduces me with his expressing sympathy, I become weak and want to help him.
2. go with Vesa, see at the cemetery my family dancing around my father. Everyone is there, my mother, her brother, my brother, my children and grandchildren. Instead of me I recognize Irina, she is wearing my mother's fur coat. It is much too big for her. It seems that I was not invited, how excluded. I say to Vesa that I don't care. But suddenly I get longing mach Mama. I run after the group, which is now boarding a streetcar. With great difficulty I find a connection, I get on and find my mother asleep. I lie down next to her and cuddle with her. A nice feeling!
The pain in my back is less, but I have to move carefully. Energetically, my abdomen feels disconnected from the rest of my body. Hurt, stained and disconnected.
Qi Gong done very gently, does good, always watch the boundary, don't go over it, be mindful! Tone also does good!
Conscious energy work helps!
Appetite is intense and increased.
April 7, 2017
A dream: my mother is slowly dying, literally drying up, withering and shriveling.
My father's dying is also present. It is a slow dying to itself.
The blossoming is full of longing and hope.
quickly comes the rigidity, to the bitter end.
withered and withered in the stiffening.
never lived in true fullness.
Follow-up over a whole year:
the complaints in the SIG did not really get better for a long time. Vesa also got similar patterns of complaints. Pelvis as if loosened and without support. Movement painfully restricted.
Taking Fritillaria meleagris C30 did not help.
Exclusively daily physical therapeutic exercises have again led to a stable situation in the pelvic area, but only after about 10 months
April 3, 2018: taking a dose of Fritillaria meleagris C30.
The day before I had a conflict with my daughter. She accuses me of not protecting her enough when she was a toddler. This hurts me very much, I feel ashamed and worry and fear for her well-being and also for the well-being of my son. in my heart I feel a wound.
After taking it, I immediately feel well again, I feel balanced and mentally I am completely in tune with the concerns of my children.
April 5, 2018: one dose of C30 despite feeling well.
As a result, I feel woozy, with heat in my head. Dizzy feeling.
Dull feeling in the stomach.
The next morning I wake up early, at 4 am, then nothing works.
Diarrhoea after breakfast that lasts for days.
I scold my husband quite unabashedly and for no reason at all. He annoys me and everything about him upsets me, which has always bothered me about him. I suddenly get fed up with it, don't want to ignore it anymore and throw everything at his head.
Dream afterwards: Everything is very moved, full of adventures. I am about 17 years old and doing forbidden, crazy things. With a group of young people we are daringly climbing over the roof of my old school.