Zizia aurea

Zizia aurea
Remedy code: 3-666.74.07

A 58-year-old woman comes in complaining of fatigue. Her story lacks coherence; conveying her message is not something she can do without thinking, nor does she concern herself with how she comes across. She is rigid in her posture and expression, but there is a lot of emotion in her eyes if you look very closely. It is as if she lives in another world. She can talk a lot, is very preoccupied with herself, thinks about things, and seems to have no connection with her own body in the sense that she does not feel what she says or experiences, but she is emotional. When she mentions a complaint, you have to ask her how and what, and since when, and it is striking that she has to search for the answer.
She has been tired her whole life, her energy comes slowly. She has problems with her stomach and glands. There is a problem at work, she has had a bad evaluation, she works as a teacher and is no longer allowed to teach, and the managers are new and businesslike. She feels sidelined, and since then she has had tingling fingers at night. She thinks it is fear of power, of people who want to boss her around. When she defends herself, it gets worse. I feel she cannot stand her ground. As a child, it was her parents and teachers. She sleeps poorly and is emotional, she says with a tear and a red nose. Not being seen, not being heard, she doesn't know how to deal with it. The knuckles of her hands are getting thicker and painful, as are the tendons of her hands and feet. When she thinks about her work, her whole body is tense, right down to her toes and fingertips. She developed intestinal and glandular problems and lost 5 kilos. She feels nauseous thinking about work. Her bowel movements are variable. She has pain in her right hypochondrium and in her back, which is worse after alcohol. She has swollen glands in her neck. Work is a disappointment; you want to be mature, and steadfast, but she reacted like a child, afraid of repercussions. As a child, she was very afraid; that the house would burn down, due to burglary, and till now she felt unsafe, checking to see if there were people standing outside the window, afraid of something indefinable. Dreams in the past: you can't run away, recently: on a horse in the prairie, the feeling was 'this is what I want, freedom', and colleagues stealing from my bag’. Until she was 4 years old she had a lot of fevers and often lay down in her room. During puberty, she didn't feel like doing anything; she had Pfeiffer's disease. As soon as she got into complicated situations, she had no energy, but when she could do her own thing, she was fine. She is constantly concerned with what those around her think. She thinks she often dissociated; she remembers that as a child she 'floated above the world', it was a strange feeling, 'Am I alive or not'. Everything passes you by as if in a dream. At home: her mother shut herself off, as if she were traumatized, her father was withdrawn. Her mother took good care of the children technically, but she was emotionally unavailable. They were not allowed to argue. The family was very rational, she always felt different from the others, a 'cuckoo child'. There was no contact with the children, there were never any hugs, she always sought 'do you see me'! She has been searching for 'being grounded and being free' for years. You need people, but she has always been bothered by people who exercise power. She would like to dance, and twirl, she sat always on the sidelines and was not asked. She did massage and Tai chi. On the subject of learning, she says 'It is very enjoyable to learn, they can tell me what needs to be improved'.

Analysis
She talks and analyses a lot. She has a sharp appearance, and her voice is cold and clear but lacks power. There are a few hardened areas on her face. Her posture is stiff, her eyes are lively but very deep inside her own body, there is no sparkle, no contact with the outside world.
Lanthanides: Self, alone, autonomy. No performance, even a lack thereof, osteoarthritis, a reference to Cold series6. One aspect of her is: not being seen as a person, as an individual.
Phase 7: rejection, hardening, distant mother, unreachable. Not a person, not seen, no independence, the reaction is dissociation, escape. Cuckoo child. On the sideline.
Phase 4: Father was stable, a contented man.
Apiales: Intellectual, cold, works with groups. Conium maculatum is known for “seeing people” (not outside the window but at the bedside). Rational. She wants independence, and autonomy, but is not seen she is ‘out of the world she is looking for’. Wanting to rise above the idea of autonomy and individuality, to escape it (Phase 7): hardening of the person, lack of emotions (losing them), dissociating as a way to feel good, the pitfall is that you do not experience that you are alive.
Stage 7 fits: keep practicing, keep searching, the puzzle that cannot be solved. Teaching. Learning.
In the Repertory, the rubric “as if in a dream” is used: (in her childhood, uncompensated, this fits her aloofness, lack of grounding, not being seen), of the Apiales, the following options are mentioned: Conium maculatum, Oenantha crocata, and Zizia aurea.
Prescription: Zizia aurea MK

Follow-up
She had these huge nervous attacks throughout her body (she says now), and that have not returned.
She now has dizziness in the morning when she gets up, which lasts a few minutes. The tension is largely gone. The knuckles are the same the first weeks, the tendons feel less tight, 'I can't prove it' but it feels soft now. The pain in the feet is much less. She has to search for structure in her narrative, looks for hard evidence, and does not seem to trust her perceptions completely. The complaint is gone or less, but 'I can't prove it'. The pulling sensation in her fingertips has not gone away completely; a few fingers remain. Sometimes she still feels tension in her side; she is afraid of cancer but is postponing an examination because of the cost (more rational than emotional). The swollen glands are gone. She no longer uses oxazepam, she falls asleep easily, she has dreams about houses, and she is visiting somewhere, it is about large houses where the organization is poor. In the dreams, she is uncertain about her position; it is unclear whether she should take action or whether she will be tolerated. When she gets stuck in her head, thinking too much, she dissociates. She calls herself a real emotional person. She used to drink a lot of alcohol, she lived in a man's world, and she just went along with it. She can now better sense what she feels comfortable with, she is tidying up her house. She started a massage course, it was a revelation how much feeling she had in her hands, she could feel. In the months that follow, she continues to make progress.