Polytrichum formosum
Proving: sense proving, Franz Swoboda, 6-4-2018.
We are cleaning the mosses we gathered during the last hours. Everyone takes a bowl to wash his moss, to clean it, to separate it from contaminations. Everyone takes a small bowl. Except me. A small bowl does not suit me. I need a bigger one. I try a soup bowl. Not big enough. I look for a real large one. Finally, a bowl five times as big as the bowls the others are using feels appropriate.
My heap of moss is the largest, by far. My moss is the biggest, the most beautiful, the most interesting. I am enthusiastic about my moss. I take the largest place, use more water than the others to wash this biggest heap of material, the most glamorous moss of all. Next to me (M) is washing her tiny little moss. I pity her for dealing with almost nothing.
We are all working at the same table. While I ask the group to look at my moss, I hardly get a response. (J) says, everyone should prove the moss while washing it. Although I hear that it does not restrain me from asking again, if everyone agreed how wonderful and great and special my moss was. This time – no reaction at all. No response. I feel sort of neglected.
Even more so as one after the other leaves the table, looking for a place to prove without being disturbed. Now I feel unappreciated. I came here all that way, more than 600 km, to prove with these people and now they are leaving me. We should have been a Society of Mosses and now, what happens? They leave, they ignore me, that‘s offensive. How can they do that to me? I try to accept being left alone. It doesn‘t feel good. I feel like sulking.
When (J) returns to the table he avoids contact. Yet I ask him if I had washed enough. (Like: Look how much I have done and how well I have done it.) His unemotional, sober reaction: „We have that already, we don‘t need it at all.“ Says so and leaves.
With my attempt to make contact being rejected again, I feel completely ignored, unwanted, an outsider. I try to accept. I am here for a good reason, so I motivate myself, I have to accept.
Now I want to enter the house, for a drink, for the bathroom. (P) is sitting in front of the house, telling me I should not enter because (M) is proving inside.
So now I should not enter the house and let even my basic needs unsatisfied? Okay, all for a good cause, I do not want to disturb. I walk around the house for the back entrance. So I should not disturb (M) in her proving meditation. I want to open the door – it is locked. I am even locked out. Unheard, ignored, unwanted, locked out.
I feel anger, self pity. I enter the house. With this, I sort of wake up from the proving.
Writing the story down I remember having been harsh and abrupt at lunch. When (M) told about her friend who has lowered her cholesterol by cancelling avocados, I immediately objected, saying this was not possible. This was very unfriendly of me. (U) had noticed my reaction and thought: Strange, that‘s not him, it‘s very much unlike him.
I had put myself in a position of someone who knows better. As a matter of fact, I think the proving has started not later than then.
Telling the story to the group I made them laughing. I can understand why my report sounded funny. There was a lot of childishness in the whole story. Very childish, (U) comments. I fully agree. I acted like a child who wants to have her mother‘s attention constantly.
Analysis
Moss: childishness.
Phase 6: unappreciated.
Phase 7: people leaving me.
Stage 10: largest, biggest, most beautiful, most interesting, most glamorous.
Remedy code: