3-622.64.10 Piper auritum
Culture: Rock opera Tommy.
Introduction
They feel alone, left alone, neglected, as a child already. They van be left alone by their parents, like in a hospital or with strangers or family members far away. They know their parents love them, but they feel left alone.
This alone feeling can be aggravated by schoolmates who treat them as an outsider, as someone disgusting due to a handicap or their looks, or an eczema.
It can start from being hospitalized for months, never been visited.
They react to be neglected with dignity, as if they are not hurt at all. They will not show their pain. They feel big and strong.
Mind
Feels like abused, stinky, hurt, insulted.
Always trying to make people accept and love her, as a human being.
They feel strong, know their dignity.
They need recognition.
They need protection.
Weep when criticized.
Given away by parents.
Quite sure.
Naughty children.
Body
Lungs: asthma.
Skin: eczema.
3-622.64.10 Piper aurtitum
Proving: trituration proving; Dos Brazos, Costa Rica; 10-3-2016.
Provers: Prover 1, Prover 2
Report: Christina Ari.
C1
The mixture smells bitter and anise like.
Prover 2: I feel fine. Immediately I offer Prover 1 to take the male part among the two of us, but Prover 1 said:” We don’t need a man!”.
Prover 1: Actually it smells horrible.
Prover 2: It’s okay to be the two of us only.
Prover 1: It is quite symbolic that we don’t need a man. We can do it ourselves.
Prover 2: It is a wonderful plant, so big, over dimensional.
I would have liked to be in the role of a man, just to experience. But I don’t have to, it is also okay not to be. I offered myself as a group as well, knowing there were many faces inside of me. It is nice Prover 1 joined my group. We will have to work a lot today, just the two of us. It is nice, cause you are the person in the seminar I don’t know so well by now, so that is nice! I feel people keep distance, don’t like getting too close to me. I am asking myself why people in the group are keeping their distance from me. I am asking the plant? I think it is the right time.
The leaf of this plant was placed on the table the 1st morning already, but no one would take it. I am asking the plant, if she ´s dangerous for others. Something within me is suspicious the plant told me. I have the expression of being not identified. So others could not identify what would happen if they come closer to me.
One can bend the plant very easily. It is in between a tree and a shrub. It does not show an inner stability. It could bend itself any way it wants. So you never know what you expect out of it. It has many faces, maybe that is the connection to: I am a group, or a man, I can be anything! I have to be very careful, otherwise I think the plant could take me all over and I would lose control. I need to step away a bit from it. It also keeps the capacity to be aware of not being out of control. “Awareness as a solution mode”. To be aware of everything one mentions at a time. The plant is helping me on the way: It is a SHE! Now I am aware why we don’t need a man in here. We sometimes forget things as soon as the thought vanishes, forgetfulness, thoughts dissolve.
Prover 1: It is tiring, because we are just the two of us to work. We don’t need a man, but it would be nice, one of them would do the work.
Prover 2: Anyway time passes quickly.
Prover 1: We should have a man to fix the time, it would be useful.
Prover 2 and Prover 1: We are both scared some others could take a place close to us.
Prover 1: We need a man to do the work, but he should not be involved in our story. It is so good to be just the two of us.
Prover 2: So we are not irritated by others.
Prover 1: Everything goes faster that way. I didn’t like this plant, but now I like it. It attracted me, but I thought it is not a good one, I was afraid it could be heavy stuff.
Prover 2: Girls are nice, aren’t they?
Jan just passed by, he didn’t want anything from us, it is okay.
Prover 1: We don’t need him, but it would be easier if he did the job.
Prover 2: It´s sure there are many faces in the plant, it is good to have many faces. People are afraid what will come out of me so they stay away. No one comes up to me. Lonesome. Sad. Left alone. When I was young (2 or 3 years old) I was left alone in hospital because of heavy atopic eczema. I felt many hands touching me. They put me in smelly baths. Other children in hospital were calling me the smelly one. I had to take all my awareness to survive. I tried to please everyone as they needed. I always tried to be the tough one on the outside, but I wasn’t inside. There never was someone who took care of me. I even took care of my mother later on. When I was 10 years old, I had to behave as 14, when I was put in a boarding school for trainees. When I failed in school I returned to my village where my earlier friends still were 10, but I already behaved like 14. So I was an outsider again. I don’t feel worth being loved. It makes me tired to pretend to be tough all my life and not show my true feelings.
Now I feel ashamed because it’s all out and you heard it. Don’t feel protected anymore cause my shield was protecting be. I feel like a newborn child, very vulnerable. I feel my secret is gone now. That secret made me feel special, it was my strength. But this strength was nothing to rely on. I seemed to be strong, got this image, but only from outside, there was nothing behind it, no inner strength and it was exhausting to keep that image up. Thank you so much. I feel relief now. Shame is gone. I am quite a spiritual person. I feel very happy now, full of relief.
You have to be aware. The first thing I learnt was to be aware, to survive. I am free!!
I remembered Tommy, a rock opera by The Who, which inspired me a lot, when I was a teenager.
C2
Prover 2: I always got the feeling someone could have abused me in the hospital, with all the hands touching me. I felt violated in those early days. Later on I developed a feeling like nothing could touch me anymore. I could be raped now and would not feel anything. But deep inside I am very afraid of being hurt again, of being violated and abused all of my life. Therefore I was terribly tough outside but very vulnerable inside. Sometimes I needed this toughness to survive. I needed it and I played with it. In my twentieths I acted on stage, a kind of (therapeutic) self- expression in musical theater. I played loads of roles, 5 to 6 different roles within a two ours act, changing between a seductive woman, the queen of darkness or just a maid or a schoolgirl. I even enjoyed to be naked on stage to surprise and irritate the audience, but also to prove nothing would hurt me, because I am that tough. I felt free, wanted to show all of me, being sure no one would ever really get the true me. They can see me from the outside but not the real me. I wanted to attract them and shock them same time. Always realized those many different faces within me. By expressing them on stage, I wanted to show the audience that reality has many various facets. I wanted to show the good and the bad side, the dark and the bright. They belong together. A nice and perfect world is not reality. Later as a doctor, when I tried to help people, I again realized, the bad side will always exist.
Prover 1: Do you think there is a meaning, why there is no man in the group?
Prover 2: There was no one left!
Prover 1: No one was needed.
Prover 2: Don’t you need a man?
Prover 1: It is nice to have one around (man or woman), but in the end you have to do it all alone, no one else can heal you, it has to come from your own inside.
Prover 2: I feel that too.
Prover 2 and Prover 1: We enjoy to be together here.
Prover 1: I feel like in the silver series and there must be a 1 in the group.
Prover 2: I feel the 7 even more, because I was thrown out of my family. But always trying to get into the group could also be 3. How were we going to reach the goal? We just got it and it didn’t take much work. It was easy.
When people e.g. my patients come to me, they think I am well centered. Also I am chief in my family. They have to do what I say. This is my strength on the outside, it is what they see, it seems quite solid. But I don’t feel so strong inside, I often feel insecure. People don’t understand my behaving, when I show my weakness, for example when I start to cry, helpless like a child.
In general I am a dominating person, although that is not my plan, but it happens. That fact makes it difficult to hide. It started when I was very small, as matter of protection.
If someone questions how I act, a very small criticism would throw me from the thrown and I become very insecure. But if I see a mistake I start again. Everything I do should be perfect, no one could attack me than. It’s protection. I also can feel proud, but then I fall again from the thrown, if someone criticizes me. I fall into: “Am I right?”.
It was a lot of confusion when I was younger! I felt neglected, not rejected, which is 6!
Prover 1: Never had that inner strength!
Jan: 622.64.10.
Prover 2: If there were no numbers, I would not think of anything in this moment!
Prover 1: Think we have done brilliantly!
Prover 2: When I saw Jan coming up, I got deep fear he could change the numbers we thought about previously. This is a kind of feeling I experience every day in my life, an insecure feeling with things you usually should not be scared of. I always suffered on this bewildered feelings, but now I know, it is the inner child’s helpless feelings. The 622..
If Jan would tell me that my choice of the numbers is wrong, it feels like the end of the world, because others could think I am stupid. Actually most of my life I was brilliant, but everyday I am scared to manage life again. Just to manage basic life I need this over awareness all the time and still I am scared!
I know I am good, but I don’t trust it. I have no experience of it. No one strengthened it. I am still such a small helpless child inside. A huge contradiction, on one side strong and dominating and on the other side just a child. Looking back I know I managed my life up to now and I tell myself to keep managing. The older I grew I became more stable, gathering the knowledge of life. In early childhood I was a fat girl, probably to get more stability. The more I did the more respected I felt. Always did as much as possible to really be notified as a proper person, as someone who is intelligent and able to do important things, to therefore define my place in society. I just wanted to be accepted as a human being, with its own worth!
C3
Prover 2: We simply are perfect.
Prover 1: We had to experience from our inside, because both the bright and the dark side are within us. They are part of the whole. It is an acceptance of ourselves, the way we are.
Prover 2: But the insecurity we get reflected from the outside.
Prover 1: Solution is to accept ourselves fully, the dark side as well as the light, so than the outside cannot effect us anymore. By acceptance we raise the strength within us and then we don’t need to keep the outside strength upright to protect us. That was just a fake strength to pretender.
Prover 2: I agree, that is great. I feel emptiness within me, but a good one. I don’t have to strife to be accepted. Everything I did all my life, was to strife to be accepted. It was so exhausting and tiring. Always knew deep inside that I was perfect the way I was, but it never trusted in the confirmation from the outside. I could never get enough of it.
Now it feels okay, I would not rely on the confirmation from outside anymore. I confirmed myself to be accepted as I am, just a simple human being. No more need for showing all my skills or the variety of different faces. My true self is enough!
It has to be done, it has to be fulfilled, triturating. I feel I could stop it right away, but it has to be done. So within all that glory we still have to do our jobs. I have a lazy feeling now. Feel we have done it, so what is the point of continuing? Who would care if I don’t finish it?
My father asked me how I could be a medical doctor without speaking German properly. When I was young I preferred to talk English. Felt better accepted, expressing myself in a simple not perfect way. Reminds me of the Carbon series. Somehow I never really grew up, always remained a child and compared to an adult, a child’s possibilities are always rejected.
Others get lots of recognition, even if they do half of the effort I do.
It seems like a mixture of naivety and arrogance, no one trusts in me! Jan said, I behave like a naughty girl, disturbing all of the time!
The more I try to impress with myself the more the others feel disturbed and start to ignore me.
Facing this problem seriously with my brain, my feelings and even with my heart, I appreciate a real chance to be cured.
Discussion
Prover 1: okay, I am the group.
Facilitator tried to get a man from another group to join them, which was difficult.
Prover 2 joined Prover 1. They said, they would need a man only for carrying heavy stuff or serving coffee. Shrub or herb? It is two and a half meters high. As if the plant lacked inner strength.
Prover 1 tells her story: as a a small child, she had severe eczema, was hospitalized for months, never been visited. Remembers many hands touching her. Feels like abuse. Terribly smelling creams, tar. Only eyes left free. The other children cried, oh, the stinky one comes back. From then on, she has tried not to be hurt any more, to be acknowledged, not insulted again, which hurts even deeper. Always tried to make people accept/love her, as a human being. Tried so many things to get this acceptance. I do not look weak, I know my dignity, but I need recognition from outside; the more I want this, the more faces I show. Some are annoyed by it. Then they turn round and ignore me again.
Numbers? I am still the little child, I need protection, I weep when criticized, no real strength to stand it; I have a macho husband. 622 of Magnolianae; given away by parents: phase 6; subphase 4 because there is something I can rely on, I am quite sure what I can. Hard relationship with mother also points to subphase 4. I still miss her. Since then, asthma came back. Stage 10, in the middle.
Facilitator: a remedy for naughty children.