13.4 Holmium carbonicum case
Width 8, Depth 8, Cure 8, Duration 7
This is the case of a friend. I prescribed Holmium carbonicum on a few symptoms that I knew of him:
A. Small posture, short arms and legs.
B. Fontanelles never closed. Sensitive and self-willed. Homeopath.
Here’s the story and follow-up as he has written it down:
"I don’t really know much about my birth parents because I am an adopted child. Apparently the relationship between my birth parents was stressful while I was in the uterus, she wanting marriage and legitimacy for her child, he unable to persuade his ex-wife to give him a divorce. Eventually this led to a split and when I was born, I was fostered out to a couple who later adopted me formally and brought me up. For the sake of clarity in my story, mum and dad were the people who brought me up. My mum was all a child could want for in a mum, caring, compassionate and protective which indeed is the reason my biological father eventually consented to have me adopted, because he could see her qualities. Dad was another case altogether, very much a product of his time and further hampered by his dad dying when he was 7 years old. He was a hard working builder who worked long hours and really only relaxed with his mates. Once his children reached beyond infancy he really lost touch with us, instead putting his energy into his friends and work. Mum always said I was an unusual child growing up, very self contained and independent: for example - she could punish the other children by withdrawing something from them, removing a toy or whatever. With me that never worked, she says that I seemed indifferent to whatever restrictions she imposed on me and just retreated into myself and was content. With my father, my relationship was always stormy. For the most part, if he was around I kept out of his way but if we were thrown together, we were a little like oil and water, we just didn't get on. Retrospectively, I think he did fairly well being a father of another man’s child, always difficult for men but he always provoked me. I would just retreat into the world of books and when our flare-ups became inevitable, I would just accept my punishment stoically then get on with my life again. I have often thought about my relationship with my dad and probably the best way I could explain my time with him as a child, was that I simply didn't like him: he was in the fringes of my life but that didn't mean he was important, he was just there like the weather, some days good, others not. I did a men’s course a couple of years ago and one exercise involved thinking of a fun time shared with my father - I tried and was surprised to find that I couldn't recall one time of laughter or fun with him, not even one! As I look back now, I think he did a great job providing for the family monetarily, but he just didn't know how to offer emotional support. I have become much more tolerant of the memory of him as I became a parent and family man but if he was still alive, no doubt we would still fight. Fights were seldom physical, he was a big man, I was tiny. He sometimes hit me with his big hands or a piece of wood, more often sarcasm and put downs, and I would react with contempt or indifference, mum saying from a very early age, perhaps 7-8 years onwards.. When I was 29, I found out who my birth father was and discovered that I had known him briefly as a child, a distant 'uncle' whom I could remember playing with me. He had died when I was a teenager and slipped out of my life unlamented. The effect of finding out that he was my father filled me with immense pride. I can still remember the feeling of being on a high for days afterward, for the first time in my life I can remember feeling proud of my (birth) father. I even met my birth mother so that I could learn more about him but I found in many ways I knew more about the “him” of him than she did, because he was so much like myself. I remember a very strong feeling of connection, of being in the center of a web of connection with others.. The man who brought me up, dad, died about 25 years ago. I often feel a regret that we didn't get on, I think I would have liked to have helped him but what child can do that for an adult? We were only close when I was in different countries, any closeness was merely a romantic thought, our reality was that we were oil and water. When my wife left me, the episode you know so much about, my deep grief and loss was the thing that puzzled me.. I never restricted her freedoms, if she had to go, then she should go, it didn't matter about me (without self pity). Our relationship wasn't wonderful in some ways. What I never understood was the deep loss, and often wondered if it related back in some way to my separation from my birth mother as a baby. Personally, I don’t think so, mum was all that I ever wanted in a mum but there could be something there.
Follow up
I took the dose one evening before bed and immediately noticed a change with my dreams. Usually my dreams are fragmented and nonsensical, that is if I remember them at all. I am seldom present as a force, more of just a passive onlooker, as if I am invisible. After the Holmium carbonicum, I had an elaborate dream of organizing a movement of people to do a task in our threatened land. I was one of the leaders trying to avert a natural catastrophe. That was interesting in itself but the thing that I noticed most was that the dream had a beginning, middle and an end and it was coherent. The other notable thing was that I wasn't passive or invisible any more. Since then, my dreams are unremembered again. The next thing I noticed was that I felt more substantial, I noticed people taking notice of me, in the clinic, in my community. People were listening to what I had to say. I had the distinct impression several times that people saw me as if for the first time, even though they may have met me before. I felt I was of more substance, more complete and not invisible. I have often felt in company that others can make me invisible or insignificant, but not so much anymore. Since my partner left 4 years ago, I have been periodically in deep grief. Early depression responded well to Hura and with time my deep hurt of the separation subsided. I have always been puzzled as to why our separation hurt me so much but it felt like part of me had died or gone away and I wouldn’t be happy again. Of course that grief hasn't been with me so much in the last couple of years but it was common, especially if I was around couples, to feel a deep keen sense of loss. I can usually manage it so that it doesn't get in my way, I put myself in another frame of mind or get busy and that usually chases it away. This could happen every couple of days even now but only lasts half an hour or so. After the Holmium carbonicum, however, that feeling of loss hasn't returned at all. I feel that completeness in myself, it is as if the crutch that I was missing, that I thought my partner had taken, has emerged from inside of me. What I was looking for in another person was hidden inside me all the time. This could be a very old feeling as I was an adoptive child, separated from my mother while very young. Perhaps that is where my feeling of dependency on others came from, but now it has gone completely. I feel independent really for the first time in my life, in years. I feel a deep content and because of my new substantiality, a couple of women have made overtures to me, which has surprised me immensely because such things do not happen. I have been grateful and touched by their attention but surprisingly, instead of rushing to let them satisfy my previous need for completion, I am content to be alone at the moment, enjoying my independence. I asked my friends and clinic colleagues if they had noticed any changes in me and was greeted by wry smiles. "Much more decisive" was the answer, instead of talking about something and then taking a while to do it or not do it, now talk about something and do it immediately. My children have noticed much firmer boundaries being set for behavior and duties around the home. This decisiveness (which I can’t see clearly) of course could be just another aspect of what I called being more substantial, not being invisible any more. Maybe there is more of me to see as I become decisive about my world. I’ve been on a meditation course (which is typical of the increased level of motivation that I feel since the remedy). Before the remedy, I would do what I had to but little else. Since the remedy, I have finished lots of unfinished jobs around the house, including finally finishing painting the outside, something that has been hanging over my head since I started 4 years ago. I have also built a porch at the back door, re-upholstered my dining chairs and am half way through painting my kitchen. I'm not really house-proud but it just seems important at the moment that I put my mark on my house which otherwise has remained essentially unchanged since my ex left almost 5 years ago. Thought a lot about the remedy, I can see why you initially thought Fragaria may be useful but the Holmium carbonicum worked because I wasn't pining for my ex to come back, the abuse and antics of her parting ensured that I could never trust her deeply again but I was missing that part of me that I thought was dependent on her or someone like her, that I needed someone else to make me feel content rather than looking inside / at myself and finding that I was complete all the time (I hope this makes sense to you).
As for how I would describe the change, it has to be very deep. I feel more content, more motivated, more energized than I have for years. I am happy to be alone, I am not mixing very much socially but feel content with that whereas before I would try to push myself to go out and then feel discontented and discouraged by feeling like a square peg in a round hole, just not fitting in somehow. Now I feel I fit and am unconcerned. To me, the remedy feels as if it has acted to my real core, I feel I am in a curative space right now, just content to be alone and get myself together. I think eventually I will start looking outside again and really engage more with the people around me, perhaps even find another partner but at this stage, that is not what I want. This kind of response is what we strive to deliver to our clients and very seldom seems to happen to prescribers. This is what gives us the buzz of homeopathy, far more than the money or any other consideration. Makes those long hours of study and practice all worthwhile."
Comment
We can see many aspects of the Holmium carbonicum. His basic pattern of reacting to problems is “I just retreated into myself”. This can already be enough to prescribe Holmium. The retreat is Stage 13, “into myself” is Lanthanides. “Self” can also have some more associations, like the Carbon series. But here it’s the inner world, the world of books, his own world. We can see the remedy as: he retreats (Stage 13) into his inner world (Lanthanides) from his father (carbonicum).
Confirmations
Lanthanides: self contained, independent, indifferent to restrictions, I never restricted her freedoms, homeopath, alternative oriented.
Stage 13: retreat into the world of books.
Carbonicum: open fontanelles, bone problems, father problems.