3.2 Adenium obesum
Trituration proving, 13-3-2011, Lamu
Provers: Prover 1, Prover 5, Prover 7.
Prover 1:
I thought: harder and it is soft like satin.
Desert storm, the opposite.
Also nose drip.
Desert heat.
The storm is going away.
I feel like a child: jumping around.
A sweating, more than is needed.
No more softness.
It feels like a bumpy road.
The sand has gone.
It feels like stones.
Obstacles.
Changing: she starts to smile.
Now it’s going with the flow.
Scraping: with a hurry.
Feeling breath in his neck.
Running out of time.
Passionate.
I can’t sit still, shaking all over.
Calming down and sighing.
Observing.
Feels more comfortable.
This is mine.
Don’t look so close.
Leave me alone.
Prover 5:
It is soft.
I never did this before.
Very dedicated, like a mother: caressing.
"Very soft and emotional”.
Very carefully.
I don’t want to hurt it.
Sweating more.
"It is getting harder”.
Again the nose drip (she scratched her nose).
Scratching for the second time.
"More forceful”.
She is going faster.
Put lots of energy in it.
It is exhausting.
I want to do it.
She is getting tired, sighing.
Scratching: softness, gentleness, carefully.
Not wanting to hurt.
Very gentle.
Concentration.
Diligence, carefully.
Devoted.
I have to turn the mortar.
I have to see it from all sides, all perspectives.
Sweating a lot.
Softness, caring, gentleness.
Forceful.
Exhaustion.
Prover 7:
Immediately nose drip.
Deep breath, very deep breathing.
I have to breath deep.
"As if my breath will bring a storm”.
There was a hair in the bowl. It had to be taken out.
It was soft in the beginning and now it takes more power.
"I have to be strong now”. The sweating will come.
I made an opposite turn. This is not a vacation. I have to force myself to go in the right direction.
I want to turn the scale in the same direction.
"I feel disoriented”. I do not know what I am doing: "Why am I doing this”. It feels as if I am going to cry. It is not only the nose but also the eyes that are dripping.
Scratching is lighter to do. This is more easy.
I don not want to cry but I have the feeling I do have to cry.
Breathing quite deep.
It feels that the grief is not coming out. Crying is so double.
I am crying but the tears do not come out.
Again a hair.
He does not want tot stop, this is mine.
Prover 1
Softness.
Peacefully together.
I was fighting with it, is going up, it wants out.
Spoiling powder.
For the first time I hear other voices.
It feels OK.
I have to look at the process.
Just good.
Cramps in the calves.
Want to lay down and relax.
Who can do me anything.
This has to be done, it’s very OK.
Sweating.
Surprised by the time is over.
Easiness to do it.
No exertion.
Is it serious, or is it not.
Dedication very much.
Can’t keep my eyes out of it.
Prover 5
The softness, gentleness (again).
It’s a joy.
Really laughing.
It’s wonderful.
Emotional.
More intense.
Joy and grief.
Intermingling.
It’s getting more forceful.
Emotions gone = only working.
Cramps in the finger.
There is only one way how this can be
done.
Aware of the time when is it over.
Nose running.
Cold sweat.
Scratching.
Concerning and not concerned.
Upright position.
Holding my breath.
Tense.
It’s not mine, from a distance.
I don’t care.
It’s becoming routine.
Careless.
Turning around.
Maybe other perspective.
I don’t want to.
For the first time a lot of coldness.
Prover 1 got very dizzy.
Hyperventilation.
C2
Prover 7
Funny circle I see & feel circles.
It is very easy to do.
I feel the need to stretch my back, I am concerned and I want to look around. It only has to be done. The wrong direction, turning. The good or right direction.
It is not nice. I do not want to do this. Now there is coming more concern. I have to look in the scale. It is getting stiff, the material. It wants to go up and has to go down. I have the feeling that there is nothing in the mortar. This is almost nothing.
What I am going to do
Everybody on his own.
Why I am doing this ? It is important.
Everything is coming down.
Cramp in underarm.
I want to stop now.
If you want to go sleeping, it is totally nothing.
Prover 1: "No dedication at all”.
Don’t feel any connection
Prover 5 asks: is this the good direction?
Prover 1: as if nothing is in it.
I want to swear.
What the fuck is this.
I want to throw it away.
It’s just nothing.
I’m just wasting my time.
Why am I doing this.
What’s the time.
There is nothing.
An empty desert.
Useless.
I want to quit.
There are 30 more seconds.
Itching in her ears.
A deep sigh before starting scratching.
There is a connection, no dedication.
Observation: watching the surroundings.
It does not feel like wasting.
There is something.
What is the time, how long to go.
Lifting the eyebrows.
What am I doing this for.
Prover 5
Not really concerned.
Distraction in the mind.
I think I have to pull myself together and do a good job.
Also the wrong direction.
Are you doing a good job.
You don’t take all the material.
It’s hard to reconnect.
I don’t feel much.
No feelings.
Scratching.
It is serious.
More disconnected.
I don’t know what it is.
Doing the thing automatically.
You only have to do it.
It has nothing to do with me.
It is a duty; indifference.
You only have to do it if it is important or not.
I lost something that I can not regain.
Resistance, grief.
Love, betrayal.
Prover 7:
Serious, empty.
It has something to do with mother. There is love, but it is not always there.
When looking to Prover 5 I thought: "She looks like an addicted mother: she is not there for me. She is only doing her job."
The feeling of crying. My mother is not there.
My fucking mother.
It reminds me sitting on a wall. Totally alone. There was no way out. There was no real love.
Prover 1 is crying.
But this has to be done I have to find real love. Not only the word but the beating heart of my mother.
The flower: the blood is diluted.
The concerning is back. The half connected mother. Intermingling: connection and disconnection.
Prover 1
Stay here.
As if it wants to go.
It is impossible to make the circle complete (only half).
I cannot give attention to the other half.
"You have to stay here”.
Memory of my mother.
Again: a hair, short curved from the eyebrow.
No protection from mother.
This remedy is good against hair falling.
It’s hard to keep everything in.
I want to protect, but you can do it yourself.
I show you a little bit and than do it yourself.
I miss you, want to have fun, it is not there.
First: this has to be done, the work, the duty.
There is a secret it is hidden within.
I have to find out by myself.
Duty, lack of joy.
Scratching.
I want to explore everything to discover the circle.
It feels more complete.
What is the missing half.
Exploring the world.
You can have fun.
You may have fun.
There is more than duty.
We are missing the joy.
Missing the beauty of life.
Prover 5
Just doing this.
No, I am searching why there is this disconnection.
It’s global.
I want to retire from the world.
I’m having a hard time feeling.
I was asking: why am I not feeling.
Again: she is watching the hair.
Shall I take it out.
I said no.
Not feeling.
I can’t connect with it.
Disconnected from everybody.
I don’t want to get into that feeling.
Scratching: it seemed to early.
Really cut off, really disconnected.
It’s having no connection with anything.
There must be something big that caused it. It feels very lonely, numbness.
A deep grief.
I don’t wait to feel it. (Resistance).
C3
Prover 1
Started first, to change the pattern.
Mischievous.
She found back the real fun.
The tears are coming out from laughing.
Doing things I don’t have to only because I like laughing and walking around.
The fun is gone, it’s getting very serious.
Feeling going down, got scared, and came back.
We lost time totally.
We talked together about the flower.
The color is so attractive.
What is so scaring to go deeper into the flower.
A cruelty.
Blood.
Prover 5
Went wrong direction in turning.
Breathing is heavy, oppression in chest.
There is some cruelty.
Knives and blood and crimes and nasty.
And there was no protection.
Helplessness.
They all left me.
I could not do anything.
The attackers did not stop hurting me with the knife.
Physical violence.
They are stabbing me with more persons.
Stabbing in the chest and in the abdomen.
There are many, mostly men, they don’t stop.
I am on the floor.
Feeling powerless, empty, no words, no emotional connection.
She is telling like a reporter.
Don’t want to feel it.
I did something bad to a group of people.
I am being punished.
Honor revenge.
Prover 7:
I am wondering about the color as if there is milk through the blood. You cannot imagine what was happening there. There is grief and a desire to know the grief but that’s impossible. It is inhuman. Why are humans doing this with each other. Like animals so cruel. It is not civilized. We have to wear this behavior of this people. I feel responsible for this behavior. I feel ashamed amazed and responsible. I forget to turn. I would like to feel the feelings of cruel people. I do not want to judge. It has something to do with religion.
It is bothering me. This cannot be possible. I feel the pain of mankind A big mistake: dilemma, we think we are doing good and we cannot do good. It is a big mistake. How long will it take that total mankind will know this. The clearness will come, but then we have to go inside, to the deep.
Prover 1
It’s all inside this.
If you dare to look you can see it.
She does not dare to look.
One part wants.
One part doesn’t want.
Very relaxed.
Inside it is very uncomfortable.
A deep sighing.
She feels like in water, spiraling down.
Trying to get up, something is pulling me down.
She is hesitating, it stops.
Deep sighing, like crying.
Tears are falling.
It’s very confusing.
When I was asking, the first word was love but also.
Up down; left right.
It has to do with love and betrayal.
Prover 5
Big resistance, big burden.
I cannot feel like Prover 1.
Prover 1 is totally out.
It’s not personal, it’s bigger, it’s a humanity thing.
Too heavy to carry, it made me disconnect.
I feel empty from emotions.
Wordless.
Prover 10:
What is behind the emptiness.
Frustration with the situation of betrayal.
I tried so hard.
It did not help or change anything.
It was not going about me, it has to do with consciousness.
Powerlessness.
Prover 7:
As if it is going about love at such a great distance. The border of the flower = red = love.
Deeper and deeper; white; without love.
The whole in the lower stands for me as a black whole = same as white.
But, when you go into the deep there is light (has all colors).
Secret: as if the hidden half has to do with the god in yourself. Striking: out of love of God.
People can hurt each other. The remedy has to do with their hidden secret in life.
As long as you will see the hatred only in others and not in yourself. That’s the confusion: the hidden secret about real love. I really feel a very big joy. This is work that has to be done.
This is real love. This is real God. This is real. During the process I found out that there is a big desert rose in me.
If you do their work you will find love.
Desert rose: will be a good book. It is very big en huge. I am very grateful.
It felt like a journey, coming from the outside, going deeper. Soft, sweet, love.